Keeping the Faith

Late last night, I stayed up watching a movie that caught my interest. Showing on Star Movies was a yr 2000 movie starring Ben Stiller & Edward Norton entitled "Keeping the Faith". For reasons I'd rather not say, I did sort of relate to the movie and it did remind me of someone, you know who you are. And so, this goes mainly to you, I think.

Seeing the movie, I was amazed by the many quotes made that captured my interest and made sense to me, and so I took notes of them in my mind and modified 'em a little bit. And now, I don't know where to start, but let's try to puzzle this up.

I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU. And that fact has changed a lot in me. I now doubt everything I had going on in my life. All that I had been gearing toward all these years, is that me? To be a doctor, to live a luxurious life, to have fancy cars, private jets, etc. Is that all that my life is about? Cos I don't feel right about it anymore. That's the fact that shatters me right now. I realize now - and it continues to reveal itself more as days pass - that YOU are what I truly, desperately need in life. YOU are literally all that matters to me now.

I'm not asking for marriage, I am asking you to say that you're in love with me too and that you'll never let me go,... that you'll want to try to see that this works. Cos I am. I'm willing to lose everything I have to try this out with you. I risk everything. I risk my life, the life ahead of me. Everything. I've thought about it a million times over and I'm sure. That's how much I need you.

I realize that in order to make a real commitment, I have to realize/accept that it's a choice that I have to make again and again and again and again. Every single day. I do. and I told you - I will commit myself, my life to you... to loving you.

I am not sorry for falling in love with you, for loving you. You have been the best thing that ever happened to me - you're my greatest blessing ever. But I am sorry that you have little faith in the people around you, in me...that you're scared to take a step forward, for us, because of that little faith you have.

You just have to learn to trust. If not all people, at least in me... because even if others will let you down, I will always be here for you, no matter what. I'm ready to love you even more, forever. I am forever yours.

thoughts on love

I guess this is what they mean when they say LOVE CONQUERS ALL. It's not really the circumstances but your values, your principles, your ideals.

Love is still bounded by rules of society, circumstances of the situations and events, personal duties, etc. But, it can defy everything else you ever imagined/ envisioned love to be. Desired qualities, ideal expectations, personal preferences, set standards, etc. These are all forgotten in love.

I myself had visions of who i wanted to love, the perfect person. And I always believed in setting out to find that one person who fits each and every standard I had set - musically inclined, age difference, character/personality, family inclination, etc. All my life, I set myself firmly on my values & principles and never allowed them to be shaken, shutting out anything or anyone that could be a threat. I valued my mind over anythying else. My goals came first. Career over relationships. Mind over heart. Intellect over emotions.


But...


You came along...


And all that changed.


True, you had all the qualities I had ever wanted, except for some limitations I guess,.. and I know you know what those are - age (haha!), status, looks (I'm just kidding - mmm very gwapo!Ü). anyway, going back... So there. There are some limitations of course in our situation but because you made me fall so hard for you, here I am, a fool,... a fool so in love with you. I let go of everything else, my values, my principles, my priorities, everything. For the first time in my life, I took the f*cking risk. You now became my everything, you still are. And now I know, I can't live without you. I'm willing to deal with anything just for your love's sake. You've gotten me hooked, addicted. I've lost everything when I lost you - that's the reason I told you I needed you back, no matter how hard, no matter the pain. I'm not sorry for anything at all, for being this devoted to you. Thank you for loving me as well. And just as you say you'll love me and keep me in your heart for always, so will it be for you. I leave you my heart. Know that I'll always love you till the end of time, no matter what happens. Thank you for showing me love and all its beauty and pains. And don't ever be sorry for hurting me. I told you once, and I shall say it again: it was well worth the beauty of life and love as you have shown me.

week 2 of Chicago

11 APR 2010, Sun.
headed to Our Lady of Guadalupe Shrine early in the morning to pray then rushed back home to cook bfast. Tito Nesto, Tita Laila, and Michael suddenly showed up and joined us for bfast. 1030, rushed to OLR to hear mass and after that, did some grocery shopping then ate a late lunch at Los Comales, a taqueria joint. It was the yummiest food i had ever eaten in my entire life. Even got to eat yummy cocada - probably the Mexican version of our very own bucayo.

12 APR 2010, Mon
Melanie did a sudden ambush attack in attempts of kidnapping me. We were supposed to go out to eat chicharon bulaklak with her friend Alexis but upon getting to the joint, it was closed (thankfully?) so we ended up in Hooters - which isn't as sleazy as you may think, people. The coolest part of the night? The Ride c/o Mel's cool car... vrrrroooooooom!



** also, another higlight of the week, which i unfortunately couldn't remember when (it was Tues i guess, or Wed): Tonton's call =) and he even gave me some good news *wink* weeeeeee! =)


17 APR 2010, Sat
Went to Six Flags with Tita Jojie and company. Greatly enjoyed it... tho not much cos i didn't achieve my goal for the day of trying out Superman. and I wish I had the courage to join Tito Jesus on the Raging Bull but unfortunately, I chickened out after seeing the looks on the faces of those people on the ride. oh mehn!

Home Sweet Home in Chicago

Whew! after about 39 hrs. travel, i finally reached HOME. that's Chicago. it's been a long travel but fun.

2230, MNL. our long flight c/o PAL PR104 from MNL to SFO. 11hrs. the touch screen monitor kept me entertained. haha. long as i got any touchscreen device, i'm happy. played games, (tried to) watch the movies (failed to catch my attention), listened to different albums... among the albums i listened to was that of Lady Gaga - in remembrance of my dear friend, Ge-An. =)

After arrival, since there are no more SFO-MDY flights that evening, spent the night in the airport. Time passed by so slooooowly. All flights for the next few days were overbooked. The only available one was a OAK-MDY flight the following evening, which had 20 seats available then (but later on overbooked as well).

In the morning, did some airport exploration in search of something called the BART train to get my ass to Oakland, where I shall take my flight to MDW. upon its discovery, i had to orient myself as to how to purchase its tickets. Found some money changer in the process. had my $20 bill broken down into $5 bills. it was soooo cool! i was so amused.
after all that amazement died down, i tried to orient myself to the BART train's route. FAIL. Some nice fellow helped me out and gave me the instructions on what i should do, what to take, etc. So I did as told and took the train, got off at Balboa.. then fail. I knew I was told to wait for the "Magic FREE MONT train"... FAIL. what she meant was FREMONT train. also a BART train. Only its headed to FREMONT.
So, to simplify things: BART train = general (e.g. bus); FREMONT train = specific (e.g. school bus)

Anyway, got of at the Coliseum stop point and managed to get to Oakland International Airport c/o a shuttle. waited all the way till 2PM to check-in for my 6PM flight.

0000,MDY. Arrived at Chicago. took a service to tita Linda's residence and well, here I am. =)

COPAR

The front view of the library before renovation

The side view of the library

The library AFTER our group's efforts =)

Before anything else, let me first of all give credits to Mr. Fran Stefan Encarnacion for all the photos. Yes, he's our group's official photographer and he's the guy responsible for these great shots you see here. Thanks Fran! Really appreciate you (finally) letting me grab some photos...hehehe... so again, super lotsa thanks, Frannie! =)

Okay, so friends, to those who've been asking, to those interested on the improvements we've managed to do for the CAA-A Community Library, here it is...

Let me start by recapping our group's objectives:

1. fund-raising (of at least php3000)
2. to match or exceed the amount of books donated by the previous group (a total of 223 book donations)
3. provide storytelling and homework help club for the children
4. library renovation

After the 3wks we had for our COPAR (Community Organizing Participatory Action Research), we basically exceeded our group's goals and expectations.

FUNDS

We managed to collect more than php15K (that's more than 5x our goal then!)

BOOK DONATIONS

We managed to gather up a total of 316 books/reading materials (that means a 142% achievement for our group's efforts)

STORYTELLING SESSION

During our last day in the community, we provided 50 grade1 pupils with three short plays, giving them a short break from their usual classes. The stories we presented were three popular English stories for children (which, alas, were unknown to many of these kids):

1. Three Little Pigs
2. Jack and the Beanstalk
3. Hansel and Gretel

All stories were presented in English. The children were all happy to see the colorful props and the different costumes, making this a truly worthwhile experience for the entire group. Ms. Ramona Gojit, the head librarian of the school and also a Hekasi teacher, even commended our group for the well-prepared presentation and the props & costumes which obviously caught the children's interests.

To gauge the students' comprehension, some questions were given after each of the stories & those who answered correctly were awarded with a prize. The students were allowed to answer in the Filipino language but they were all encouraged to answer in complete sentences.

After the activity, the children were given some snacks and giveaways (composed of math and reading worksheets).

LIBRARY RENOVATION

Due to financial constraints, we failed to hire pest control services but we did recommend that to the next group.

We did, however, manage to renovate the library's exteriors (roof, gutter, windows, door, etc.). Special thanks to Momi Ritch's dad for helping us on this part!

Copy-pasted below is part of the evaluation I had written re: library renovation which our group had to submit:

A lot has changed on the way the CAA Library looks since the day that the group came to see it. Looking at the library then, it looked abandoned. Windows were broken, some plywood were peeling off of it, graffiti were drawn here and there. But, after the nine days that the group had for community, it looked very different with its new Mediterranean shade of paint, new windows, and a new door. The roof and the gutter of the library were also part of the reconstruction work done.

Ariel, the librarian at the said library, never failed to impart his heartfelt gratitude to the group for all the efforts placed into the library, not just the reconstruction of its outside, but for all the books donated. A lot of parents have also expressed their gratitude because the library was finally going to be able to be opened again for their children's usage.

RIBBON CUTTING CEREMONY

A ribbon-cutting ceremony shall be held on 24 Feb. 2010 for the re-opening of the library. Hopefully our group would get the chance to join in on this event.

THANK YOUs

The group with Sir Ariel, the librarian at the CAA-A Community Library

In behalf of the group, I would like to thank everyone who supported us in this project. We truly appreciate it.

Also, we thank our CI, Ms. Sue, for trusting us and giving us a sense of empowerment. The freedom & trust you gave us is what motivated us even more. It's nice how you left everything up to us and just met up with us for a quick post-conference, to facilitate our progress & make sure we are actually meeting our goals. Making us plan and execute things on our own truly meant a lot. It boosted our spirits, making us feel solely responsible for all the outcomes.

As group leader, I would like to give my utmost gratitude to the team. My subleaders:

Ritchie Domingo - Head, Documentation and Research Committee

Fran Encarnacion - Head, Networking/Communications/Fund-Raising Committee

Angelo Diago - Head, Community Mobilization Committee

And of course, the other members of each committee:

Documentation and Research Committee

• Gilbert Domingo
• Kenny Entena
• Vikki Flores

Networking/Communications/Fund-Raising Committee

• Kyra Elevado
• Florence Descalzo
• Faith De Jesus

Community Mobilization Committee

• Jose Mari Diago
• Aces Encajonado
• Rao Estrada

Thank You, Thank You, THANK YOU for all the efforts, the cooperation, everything! I truly enjoyed the group's company. Cheers to our final days together... TWO MORE DUTY DAYS TO GO! =)

Our group (together with Ms Sue) with the students and some teachers from the CAA Elementary School
AFTER the Storytelling Session

JERK.

Sorry for such a strong word, but that's all i can think of. the perfect word to describe you.

Despite all the guys I've known (and all the pain some of them may have caused me), it's only with you that I used this word on. To make things even worse, YOU WERE A DEAR FRIEND OF MINE. and I guess somehow, you still are and still will be.

After all the things that happened over the years I've known you (which is about 10 years now), I guess I should have listened to everyone around me. Don't you know how much I defended you? How much I backed you .. how much I scowled at anyone who dared to bring you down, just because I care about you THAT MUCH. And how did you repay me? WITH NOTHING BUT HURT. THANK YOU, thankyouverymuch.

I'm through being your little ass bitch, puppy-trailing praises at you. I should have backed off years ago and let go of any possibility of us. No, wait. I ACTUALLY DID THAT. But I guess you noticed that you made an error of your own and went back to your usual ways, YOUR SWEET USUAL WAYS THAT MADE ME FALL FOR YOU BACK THEN.

ANSWER ME NOW, WHAT HAPPENED BACK THEN? We were so close, we hanged out together, we talked about anything under the sun, we held hands, i remember you even giving me a soft peck on the cheek once which was enough to melt my heart and make me giddy. What happened to all those tight hugs you gave me which caused me breathing difficulties and the inability to move because of your arms wrapped around me?

How could you have gone from that sweet guy back then to the total jerk you are now? You were once the perfect gentleman, WHY THE HECK CAN'T YOU HAVE THE DECENCY TO TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON NOW?!

Whenever you needed me, I never failed to be there for you, and I was sincere through all there was. I ALLOTTED MYSELF TO YOU. I WAS WILLING TO DROP ANYTHING FOR YOU should you call, needing me to be there. THAT was how important you are to me. But you never seemed to care now, did you? All I've become to you now is someone you'd come to as a last resort. I don't ask for much, just a simple decent friendship, or at least the truth. STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE IDIOTIC TRASH!

And, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE? Everytime I turn cold to you, you come running after me, smothering me and all... and the instant I start to reciprocate the friendship thing again, you're the one who backs away and turns viciously cold. it's just our natural cycle these days. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! WHAT THE HECK IS ALL THIS CHASING FOR?!

I usually have no problems understanding guys (maybe cos I grew up with them). And, out of ALL the men in my life, you were the only one who puzzled me this much, you were the only one I just couldn't seem to decode. Therefore..
ALL this fickleminded-ness of yours plus your inability to keep true to your actions and your "ka-plastik-an" just leads me to one conclusion: THE POSSIBILITY OF YOU BEING GAY. Again, sorry, but I'm just saying. A lot of people have been thinking of you as such, actually, just so you know. I even thought so before, upon the first time I met you, THE TIME WHEN YOU INTRODUCED YOURSELF TO ME. But upon getting close to you, my views on that changed. And no matter how much people thought you were, I strongly opposed them because of what I knew of you. NOW, ALL THAT CHANGES...

I SO BELIEVE THERE'S A POSSIBILITY OF YOU BEING GAY.

i mean, C'MON! You NEVER had a girlfriend since birth, never mentioned any special feelings toward any particular woman and MAJORITY of your friends are girls.



Anyway, to make my point clear, and to point out that I am not the only one who observes this thing, I recently told my bestest friend about you. Yes. I only admitted everything to her now after all these years because I was afraid she'd squeal. I admitted all my LOVE and HATRED for you. She did seem to notice the change in our relationship.

AND NOW, for my New Year's Resolution? DISTANCE MYSELF FROM YOU.
PLEASE. COOPERATE THIS TIME. AND LEAVE ME ALONE.
You are so special to me and thus, you don't know how much you just hurt me. You don't know how many tears have fallen for you. You seem to be my weakness, my poison. yes, that is what you are... A SWEET, TOXIC POISON THAT LURES INTO ADDICTION. that is exactly what you are.

IT'S YOUR LOSS, SUCKER. I KNOW I MUST BE THE ONLY ONE STUPID ENOUGH TO LOVE YOU THIS MUCH. But sorry, I've made up my mind from times back NOT TO GIVE IN TO ANYTHING WITH YOU. WE SHALL JUST REMAIN FRIENDS.
And thanks to the events that happened this week that support my argument, all your actions from the start of the year to last night... it all just proves what a pathetic jerk you are. Thanks for showing me how you don't truly care about me at all... it's all just your front to keep this nice-guy-theme in your life. thanks for confirming that fact all by yourself. BRAVO.

I SHALL BE LIVING THE LIFE YOU WANT, I'LL MAKE SURE OF THAT.

I WILL BE YOUR ENVY.
I WILL HAVE SUCCESS IN MY LIFE,
LIVING MY DREAMS,
TRAVELLING THE WORLD,
LIVING A COMFORTABLE LIFE ..no, scrap that...
LIVING A LUXURIOUS LIFE.

AND WHEN THAT TIME COMES,
I WILL OWE IT TO MYSELF. NOT TO YOU.

To make things clear, I'm backing myself from you but I'll still be a friend. I'll be there when you need me but THAT'S ALL. You WON'T fill my thoughts. You WON'T be cared for unnecessarily. You WON'T expect to hear from me at all. So long to all my cares and worries for you. I shall now be distant and aloof. Fine when you're there, but distant when not.

YOU SHALL BE SHUNT OUT OF MY LIFE. NOW.
Not when i move back to the US, not when I finish my studies. NOW.

holiday madness

buzzbuzzbuzz... busy busy busy... that's how it's been soooo far since the 24th. haven't gotten a decent night of sleep yet...oooh, and it was this time that i managed to drive my actual brand new car around... for just about an hour tho. thankfully, i made it back alive. our choir's the one assigned to sing for the two midnight masses that night (which is already like our tradition).
funny thing was after the 2nd mass, every one of us was busy greeting each other, beso-beso and stuff. after all that commotion, as i was about to leave, making my way outta the church, someone called me from behind: "ATE FEMI!". i turned around and it was slob-girl Jeanette. why the code name you wonder? because this girl, she's nice but she idolizes me tooo damn much. and tries to kiss me every time she has to opportunity to do so. and everytime she does kiss me, it's not the usual beso-beso, cheek-cheek thing. when she kisses, she literally puckers her lips to my cheeks and spews out gallons of secretions (i.e. saliva) making my cheek feel like the pacific ocean. LITERALLY. so, EEEW. sorry. but im just saying.

25th. WAY tiring day! exhaustion! went to Cavite to deliver gifts then rushed on back to Alabang for lunch at Tita Evelyn's. I was willing to drive but NOT to Cavite. Unfortunately, I had NO choice. i tried to oppose but my dad won the argument. waaaah. nooooo. thankfully, nothing happened to my pretty car =)
after lunch, headed on back home and readied myself for the 4pm mass. 'twas just me and Tita Joy. oh gawrsh. the 5:15pm mass also had only 2 available lecs when i asked Chock. I would've volunteered but i was so darn tired already. so headed back home na.
in case it isn't obvious yet: I did all the driving this day, thankyouverymuch.

26th. went to Pasay. thankfully, didn't drive anymore. and thankfully, didn't bring my car. otherwise, i wouldn't be able to relax. it's so brand new (test driven 13dec; received 15 dec).. if anything happens to it... oh gosh.
played Wii with 3na... tennis sucked... loved the boxing.
after: headed to moa. wanted to literally scream and scold some parents in the hypermarket for bringing their 3 kids along with them... their 3 kids with chickenpox/measles! totally ruined my day! I swear my blood pressure skyrocketed at that instant!


27th. drove to church for my usual duty. kids were practicing songs. as i went down from my car, i felt eyes trailing me. didn't care to look whose they were. just went on straight to the main entrance of the church to sign attendance. as i was heading to the front to check on the readings, etc. I saw N following me, trying to catch my glance. she was smiling. argh. wtf. i thought we were over this and you're finally leaving me alone. grrr. what more should i do for you to get the hell outta my life!
and worse was that after the 4pm mass, as me and two of my kasamas were planning our jan1 duty, N approached me, tugging at my sleeve. i didn't know it was her. wasn't expecting it to be her at all. and since i was talking with some other people, i was naturally smiling and all... a genuine smile. but the instant i turned around and saw into her. ha! haha! ha! sorry but my reflexes kicked in. the smiley face was immediately gone and i turned to a more serious tone! hahaha! didn't mean it or anything but it just happened. REFLEX. no, wait. actually im not THAT sorry. proves that i can still be straightforward when i want to.

since i can't have my way with words on her... my actions just have to show it.