Keeping the Faith

Late last night, I stayed up watching a movie that caught my interest. Showing on Star Movies was a yr 2000 movie starring Ben Stiller & Edward Norton entitled "Keeping the Faith". For reasons I'd rather not say, I did sort of relate to the movie and it did remind me of someone, you know who you are. And so, this goes mainly to you, I think.

Seeing the movie, I was amazed by the many quotes made that captured my interest and made sense to me, and so I took notes of them in my mind and modified 'em a little bit. And now, I don't know where to start, but let's try to puzzle this up.

I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU. And that fact has changed a lot in me. I now doubt everything I had going on in my life. All that I had been gearing toward all these years, is that me? To be a doctor, to live a luxurious life, to have fancy cars, private jets, etc. Is that all that my life is about? Cos I don't feel right about it anymore. That's the fact that shatters me right now. I realize now - and it continues to reveal itself more as days pass - that YOU are what I truly, desperately need in life. YOU are literally all that matters to me now.

I'm not asking for marriage, I am asking you to say that you're in love with me too and that you'll never let me go,... that you'll want to try to see that this works. Cos I am. I'm willing to lose everything I have to try this out with you. I risk everything. I risk my life, the life ahead of me. Everything. I've thought about it a million times over and I'm sure. That's how much I need you.

I realize that in order to make a real commitment, I have to realize/accept that it's a choice that I have to make again and again and again and again. Every single day. I do. and I told you - I will commit myself, my life to you... to loving you.

I am not sorry for falling in love with you, for loving you. You have been the best thing that ever happened to me - you're my greatest blessing ever. But I am sorry that you have little faith in the people around you, in me...that you're scared to take a step forward, for us, because of that little faith you have.

You just have to learn to trust. If not all people, at least in me... because even if others will let you down, I will always be here for you, no matter what. I'm ready to love you even more, forever. I am forever yours.

thoughts on love

I guess this is what they mean when they say LOVE CONQUERS ALL. It's not really the circumstances but your values, your principles, your ideals.

Love is still bounded by rules of society, circumstances of the situations and events, personal duties, etc. But, it can defy everything else you ever imagined/ envisioned love to be. Desired qualities, ideal expectations, personal preferences, set standards, etc. These are all forgotten in love.

I myself had visions of who i wanted to love, the perfect person. And I always believed in setting out to find that one person who fits each and every standard I had set - musically inclined, age difference, character/personality, family inclination, etc. All my life, I set myself firmly on my values & principles and never allowed them to be shaken, shutting out anything or anyone that could be a threat. I valued my mind over anythying else. My goals came first. Career over relationships. Mind over heart. Intellect over emotions.


But...


You came along...


And all that changed.


True, you had all the qualities I had ever wanted, except for some limitations I guess,.. and I know you know what those are - age (haha!), status, looks (I'm just kidding - mmm very gwapo!Ü). anyway, going back... So there. There are some limitations of course in our situation but because you made me fall so hard for you, here I am, a fool,... a fool so in love with you. I let go of everything else, my values, my principles, my priorities, everything. For the first time in my life, I took the f*cking risk. You now became my everything, you still are. And now I know, I can't live without you. I'm willing to deal with anything just for your love's sake. You've gotten me hooked, addicted. I've lost everything when I lost you - that's the reason I told you I needed you back, no matter how hard, no matter the pain. I'm not sorry for anything at all, for being this devoted to you. Thank you for loving me as well. And just as you say you'll love me and keep me in your heart for always, so will it be for you. I leave you my heart. Know that I'll always love you till the end of time, no matter what happens. Thank you for showing me love and all its beauty and pains. And don't ever be sorry for hurting me. I told you once, and I shall say it again: it was well worth the beauty of life and love as you have shown me.

week 2 of Chicago

11 APR 2010, Sun.
headed to Our Lady of Guadalupe Shrine early in the morning to pray then rushed back home to cook bfast. Tito Nesto, Tita Laila, and Michael suddenly showed up and joined us for bfast. 1030, rushed to OLR to hear mass and after that, did some grocery shopping then ate a late lunch at Los Comales, a taqueria joint. It was the yummiest food i had ever eaten in my entire life. Even got to eat yummy cocada - probably the Mexican version of our very own bucayo.

12 APR 2010, Mon
Melanie did a sudden ambush attack in attempts of kidnapping me. We were supposed to go out to eat chicharon bulaklak with her friend Alexis but upon getting to the joint, it was closed (thankfully?) so we ended up in Hooters - which isn't as sleazy as you may think, people. The coolest part of the night? The Ride c/o Mel's cool car... vrrrroooooooom!



** also, another higlight of the week, which i unfortunately couldn't remember when (it was Tues i guess, or Wed): Tonton's call =) and he even gave me some good news *wink* weeeeeee! =)


17 APR 2010, Sat
Went to Six Flags with Tita Jojie and company. Greatly enjoyed it... tho not much cos i didn't achieve my goal for the day of trying out Superman. and I wish I had the courage to join Tito Jesus on the Raging Bull but unfortunately, I chickened out after seeing the looks on the faces of those people on the ride. oh mehn!

Home Sweet Home in Chicago

Whew! after about 39 hrs. travel, i finally reached HOME. that's Chicago. it's been a long travel but fun.

2230, MNL. our long flight c/o PAL PR104 from MNL to SFO. 11hrs. the touch screen monitor kept me entertained. haha. long as i got any touchscreen device, i'm happy. played games, (tried to) watch the movies (failed to catch my attention), listened to different albums... among the albums i listened to was that of Lady Gaga - in remembrance of my dear friend, Ge-An. =)

After arrival, since there are no more SFO-MDY flights that evening, spent the night in the airport. Time passed by so slooooowly. All flights for the next few days were overbooked. The only available one was a OAK-MDY flight the following evening, which had 20 seats available then (but later on overbooked as well).

In the morning, did some airport exploration in search of something called the BART train to get my ass to Oakland, where I shall take my flight to MDW. upon its discovery, i had to orient myself as to how to purchase its tickets. Found some money changer in the process. had my $20 bill broken down into $5 bills. it was soooo cool! i was so amused.
after all that amazement died down, i tried to orient myself to the BART train's route. FAIL. Some nice fellow helped me out and gave me the instructions on what i should do, what to take, etc. So I did as told and took the train, got off at Balboa.. then fail. I knew I was told to wait for the "Magic FREE MONT train"... FAIL. what she meant was FREMONT train. also a BART train. Only its headed to FREMONT.
So, to simplify things: BART train = general (e.g. bus); FREMONT train = specific (e.g. school bus)

Anyway, got of at the Coliseum stop point and managed to get to Oakland International Airport c/o a shuttle. waited all the way till 2PM to check-in for my 6PM flight.

0000,MDY. Arrived at Chicago. took a service to tita Linda's residence and well, here I am. =)

COPAR

The front view of the library before renovation

The side view of the library

The library AFTER our group's efforts =)

Before anything else, let me first of all give credits to Mr. Fran Stefan Encarnacion for all the photos. Yes, he's our group's official photographer and he's the guy responsible for these great shots you see here. Thanks Fran! Really appreciate you (finally) letting me grab some photos...hehehe... so again, super lotsa thanks, Frannie! =)

Okay, so friends, to those who've been asking, to those interested on the improvements we've managed to do for the CAA-A Community Library, here it is...

Let me start by recapping our group's objectives:

1. fund-raising (of at least php3000)
2. to match or exceed the amount of books donated by the previous group (a total of 223 book donations)
3. provide storytelling and homework help club for the children
4. library renovation

After the 3wks we had for our COPAR (Community Organizing Participatory Action Research), we basically exceeded our group's goals and expectations.

FUNDS

We managed to collect more than php15K (that's more than 5x our goal then!)

BOOK DONATIONS

We managed to gather up a total of 316 books/reading materials (that means a 142% achievement for our group's efforts)

STORYTELLING SESSION

During our last day in the community, we provided 50 grade1 pupils with three short plays, giving them a short break from their usual classes. The stories we presented were three popular English stories for children (which, alas, were unknown to many of these kids):

1. Three Little Pigs
2. Jack and the Beanstalk
3. Hansel and Gretel

All stories were presented in English. The children were all happy to see the colorful props and the different costumes, making this a truly worthwhile experience for the entire group. Ms. Ramona Gojit, the head librarian of the school and also a Hekasi teacher, even commended our group for the well-prepared presentation and the props & costumes which obviously caught the children's interests.

To gauge the students' comprehension, some questions were given after each of the stories & those who answered correctly were awarded with a prize. The students were allowed to answer in the Filipino language but they were all encouraged to answer in complete sentences.

After the activity, the children were given some snacks and giveaways (composed of math and reading worksheets).

LIBRARY RENOVATION

Due to financial constraints, we failed to hire pest control services but we did recommend that to the next group.

We did, however, manage to renovate the library's exteriors (roof, gutter, windows, door, etc.). Special thanks to Momi Ritch's dad for helping us on this part!

Copy-pasted below is part of the evaluation I had written re: library renovation which our group had to submit:

A lot has changed on the way the CAA Library looks since the day that the group came to see it. Looking at the library then, it looked abandoned. Windows were broken, some plywood were peeling off of it, graffiti were drawn here and there. But, after the nine days that the group had for community, it looked very different with its new Mediterranean shade of paint, new windows, and a new door. The roof and the gutter of the library were also part of the reconstruction work done.

Ariel, the librarian at the said library, never failed to impart his heartfelt gratitude to the group for all the efforts placed into the library, not just the reconstruction of its outside, but for all the books donated. A lot of parents have also expressed their gratitude because the library was finally going to be able to be opened again for their children's usage.

RIBBON CUTTING CEREMONY

A ribbon-cutting ceremony shall be held on 24 Feb. 2010 for the re-opening of the library. Hopefully our group would get the chance to join in on this event.

THANK YOUs

The group with Sir Ariel, the librarian at the CAA-A Community Library

In behalf of the group, I would like to thank everyone who supported us in this project. We truly appreciate it.

Also, we thank our CI, Ms. Sue, for trusting us and giving us a sense of empowerment. The freedom & trust you gave us is what motivated us even more. It's nice how you left everything up to us and just met up with us for a quick post-conference, to facilitate our progress & make sure we are actually meeting our goals. Making us plan and execute things on our own truly meant a lot. It boosted our spirits, making us feel solely responsible for all the outcomes.

As group leader, I would like to give my utmost gratitude to the team. My subleaders:

Ritchie Domingo - Head, Documentation and Research Committee

Fran Encarnacion - Head, Networking/Communications/Fund-Raising Committee

Angelo Diago - Head, Community Mobilization Committee

And of course, the other members of each committee:

Documentation and Research Committee

• Gilbert Domingo
• Kenny Entena
• Vikki Flores

Networking/Communications/Fund-Raising Committee

• Kyra Elevado
• Florence Descalzo
• Faith De Jesus

Community Mobilization Committee

• Jose Mari Diago
• Aces Encajonado
• Rao Estrada

Thank You, Thank You, THANK YOU for all the efforts, the cooperation, everything! I truly enjoyed the group's company. Cheers to our final days together... TWO MORE DUTY DAYS TO GO! =)

Our group (together with Ms Sue) with the students and some teachers from the CAA Elementary School
AFTER the Storytelling Session

JERK.

Sorry for such a strong word, but that's all i can think of. the perfect word to describe you.

Despite all the guys I've known (and all the pain some of them may have caused me), it's only with you that I used this word on. To make things even worse, YOU WERE A DEAR FRIEND OF MINE. and I guess somehow, you still are and still will be.

After all the things that happened over the years I've known you (which is about 10 years now), I guess I should have listened to everyone around me. Don't you know how much I defended you? How much I backed you .. how much I scowled at anyone who dared to bring you down, just because I care about you THAT MUCH. And how did you repay me? WITH NOTHING BUT HURT. THANK YOU, thankyouverymuch.

I'm through being your little ass bitch, puppy-trailing praises at you. I should have backed off years ago and let go of any possibility of us. No, wait. I ACTUALLY DID THAT. But I guess you noticed that you made an error of your own and went back to your usual ways, YOUR SWEET USUAL WAYS THAT MADE ME FALL FOR YOU BACK THEN.

ANSWER ME NOW, WHAT HAPPENED BACK THEN? We were so close, we hanged out together, we talked about anything under the sun, we held hands, i remember you even giving me a soft peck on the cheek once which was enough to melt my heart and make me giddy. What happened to all those tight hugs you gave me which caused me breathing difficulties and the inability to move because of your arms wrapped around me?

How could you have gone from that sweet guy back then to the total jerk you are now? You were once the perfect gentleman, WHY THE HECK CAN'T YOU HAVE THE DECENCY TO TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON NOW?!

Whenever you needed me, I never failed to be there for you, and I was sincere through all there was. I ALLOTTED MYSELF TO YOU. I WAS WILLING TO DROP ANYTHING FOR YOU should you call, needing me to be there. THAT was how important you are to me. But you never seemed to care now, did you? All I've become to you now is someone you'd come to as a last resort. I don't ask for much, just a simple decent friendship, or at least the truth. STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE IDIOTIC TRASH!

And, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE? Everytime I turn cold to you, you come running after me, smothering me and all... and the instant I start to reciprocate the friendship thing again, you're the one who backs away and turns viciously cold. it's just our natural cycle these days. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! WHAT THE HECK IS ALL THIS CHASING FOR?!

I usually have no problems understanding guys (maybe cos I grew up with them). And, out of ALL the men in my life, you were the only one who puzzled me this much, you were the only one I just couldn't seem to decode. Therefore..
ALL this fickleminded-ness of yours plus your inability to keep true to your actions and your "ka-plastik-an" just leads me to one conclusion: THE POSSIBILITY OF YOU BEING GAY. Again, sorry, but I'm just saying. A lot of people have been thinking of you as such, actually, just so you know. I even thought so before, upon the first time I met you, THE TIME WHEN YOU INTRODUCED YOURSELF TO ME. But upon getting close to you, my views on that changed. And no matter how much people thought you were, I strongly opposed them because of what I knew of you. NOW, ALL THAT CHANGES...

I SO BELIEVE THERE'S A POSSIBILITY OF YOU BEING GAY.

i mean, C'MON! You NEVER had a girlfriend since birth, never mentioned any special feelings toward any particular woman and MAJORITY of your friends are girls.



Anyway, to make my point clear, and to point out that I am not the only one who observes this thing, I recently told my bestest friend about you. Yes. I only admitted everything to her now after all these years because I was afraid she'd squeal. I admitted all my LOVE and HATRED for you. She did seem to notice the change in our relationship.

AND NOW, for my New Year's Resolution? DISTANCE MYSELF FROM YOU.
PLEASE. COOPERATE THIS TIME. AND LEAVE ME ALONE.
You are so special to me and thus, you don't know how much you just hurt me. You don't know how many tears have fallen for you. You seem to be my weakness, my poison. yes, that is what you are... A SWEET, TOXIC POISON THAT LURES INTO ADDICTION. that is exactly what you are.

IT'S YOUR LOSS, SUCKER. I KNOW I MUST BE THE ONLY ONE STUPID ENOUGH TO LOVE YOU THIS MUCH. But sorry, I've made up my mind from times back NOT TO GIVE IN TO ANYTHING WITH YOU. WE SHALL JUST REMAIN FRIENDS.
And thanks to the events that happened this week that support my argument, all your actions from the start of the year to last night... it all just proves what a pathetic jerk you are. Thanks for showing me how you don't truly care about me at all... it's all just your front to keep this nice-guy-theme in your life. thanks for confirming that fact all by yourself. BRAVO.

I SHALL BE LIVING THE LIFE YOU WANT, I'LL MAKE SURE OF THAT.

I WILL BE YOUR ENVY.
I WILL HAVE SUCCESS IN MY LIFE,
LIVING MY DREAMS,
TRAVELLING THE WORLD,
LIVING A COMFORTABLE LIFE ..no, scrap that...
LIVING A LUXURIOUS LIFE.

AND WHEN THAT TIME COMES,
I WILL OWE IT TO MYSELF. NOT TO YOU.

To make things clear, I'm backing myself from you but I'll still be a friend. I'll be there when you need me but THAT'S ALL. You WON'T fill my thoughts. You WON'T be cared for unnecessarily. You WON'T expect to hear from me at all. So long to all my cares and worries for you. I shall now be distant and aloof. Fine when you're there, but distant when not.

YOU SHALL BE SHUNT OUT OF MY LIFE. NOW.
Not when i move back to the US, not when I finish my studies. NOW.

holiday madness

buzzbuzzbuzz... busy busy busy... that's how it's been soooo far since the 24th. haven't gotten a decent night of sleep yet...oooh, and it was this time that i managed to drive my actual brand new car around... for just about an hour tho. thankfully, i made it back alive. our choir's the one assigned to sing for the two midnight masses that night (which is already like our tradition).
funny thing was after the 2nd mass, every one of us was busy greeting each other, beso-beso and stuff. after all that commotion, as i was about to leave, making my way outta the church, someone called me from behind: "ATE FEMI!". i turned around and it was slob-girl Jeanette. why the code name you wonder? because this girl, she's nice but she idolizes me tooo damn much. and tries to kiss me every time she has to opportunity to do so. and everytime she does kiss me, it's not the usual beso-beso, cheek-cheek thing. when she kisses, she literally puckers her lips to my cheeks and spews out gallons of secretions (i.e. saliva) making my cheek feel like the pacific ocean. LITERALLY. so, EEEW. sorry. but im just saying.

25th. WAY tiring day! exhaustion! went to Cavite to deliver gifts then rushed on back to Alabang for lunch at Tita Evelyn's. I was willing to drive but NOT to Cavite. Unfortunately, I had NO choice. i tried to oppose but my dad won the argument. waaaah. nooooo. thankfully, nothing happened to my pretty car =)
after lunch, headed on back home and readied myself for the 4pm mass. 'twas just me and Tita Joy. oh gawrsh. the 5:15pm mass also had only 2 available lecs when i asked Chock. I would've volunteered but i was so darn tired already. so headed back home na.
in case it isn't obvious yet: I did all the driving this day, thankyouverymuch.

26th. went to Pasay. thankfully, didn't drive anymore. and thankfully, didn't bring my car. otherwise, i wouldn't be able to relax. it's so brand new (test driven 13dec; received 15 dec).. if anything happens to it... oh gosh.
played Wii with 3na... tennis sucked... loved the boxing.
after: headed to moa. wanted to literally scream and scold some parents in the hypermarket for bringing their 3 kids along with them... their 3 kids with chickenpox/measles! totally ruined my day! I swear my blood pressure skyrocketed at that instant!


27th. drove to church for my usual duty. kids were practicing songs. as i went down from my car, i felt eyes trailing me. didn't care to look whose they were. just went on straight to the main entrance of the church to sign attendance. as i was heading to the front to check on the readings, etc. I saw N following me, trying to catch my glance. she was smiling. argh. wtf. i thought we were over this and you're finally leaving me alone. grrr. what more should i do for you to get the hell outta my life!
and worse was that after the 4pm mass, as me and two of my kasamas were planning our jan1 duty, N approached me, tugging at my sleeve. i didn't know it was her. wasn't expecting it to be her at all. and since i was talking with some other people, i was naturally smiling and all... a genuine smile. but the instant i turned around and saw into her. ha! haha! ha! sorry but my reflexes kicked in. the smiley face was immediately gone and i turned to a more serious tone! hahaha! didn't mean it or anything but it just happened. REFLEX. no, wait. actually im not THAT sorry. proves that i can still be straightforward when i want to.

since i can't have my way with words on her... my actions just have to show it.

the night that was

Bananas probably contain a high amount of sugar in them... the reason that made me reach such conclusion? i was hyper all throughout the night last night. ok, from about 4 till after our first house carol, after which i immediately went downscale.

i was supposed to come from my 8-5 class for which the topic was supposedly pediatrics but the lecturer couldn't come. So, Sir Carlo bombarded us with exams... supposedly a 3-part exam, each containing 100items. and after each exam, we were supposed to have rationalization. grrrr. Sir Carlo made my head hurt! MIGRAINE! :P

This is how it always went all throughout the first 2.5 hr rationalization:

Sir Carlo: ("loud") ok, so the answer to #x would
be.... because... here's the rationalization.... you can look it up
in Pilliteri, page *blablablah* (trailing to a whisper + mic begins to disappear)

Class: Sir, louder please! / Sir, gamitin niyo naman mic
niyo oh!

Sir Carlo: oh, sorry... (then begins "loud" again which
again eventually trails to a whisper as the mic starts to sink)

*and for the record, the word LOUD is in quotation marks because it wasn't
really loud enough to begin with. it was just loud enough to be considered
audible if you actually listened in. haha sorry. anyway, to
make things worse, the class was so noisy pa!

So this really sucked big time. By the time we got back to class from our 30min break (we requested that it just be 30mins instead of the 1hr which he wanted to give us), Kristie immediately invited me & Ge to cut. for some miraculous reason, Ge didn't. haha peace Ge!
I did give in to Kristie's invitation. BUT upon reaching the 1st floor, biglang natauhan si Kristie! na-consensiya (sp?) ba man daw! imagine that, the person who invited to cut was the person to back out hahaha! LOL. this time, di na ko bumigay sa request niya. she went back to class, i left.

At least, gave me time to fix myself for that night's schedule. Nicole was soooo cute/pretty that night... i just wanted to pinch her.

I HATE CHESKA for making a fool of me. i was in heels that night (for the first time in ages i guess), and she wanted to trip me i guess. this started even before the mass started. she asked that we go for a walk... kala ko we were heading to the back, outside the church. i was even telling her: tita's gonna kill us if we don't return in time for the mass. all of a sudden, she just breezes back towards the choir area through one of the aisles and gives a sudden halt. ... to "buckle up her shoes" pssssh. whatever. in Cheska's language: I AIN'T RETARDED LIKE YOU, YO. :P so, for that, she got a kick in the rear hahaha :P

All throughout the mass, she was telling me of that morning's ordination. all the things that N had been doing.. hahaha LOL at chu. :P

the next series of TRY-TO-TRIP-FEMI came each time we entered the "spaceship" as i was trying to be careful not to step on her "shoe buckle" each time i had to position myself. failed on the last venture tho, haha. she had to pay the price :P

Carolling at the Lagdameo's place took time before we start as we had been busy with truffles' cute-ness. And by the time we actually started, we were all being tempted by all the yummy food prepared on the table near us. Everyone esp the organist (Kuya Arthur... haha special mention!!!). he just had to go and skip the 2nd song cos he was hungry na daw :P

I HATED HOW DELICIOUS EVERYTHING WAS. and i mean everything. it was "mexican night" cos of the nachos and the tortilla bits... yummmmmm... y'all knw how much i looooove Mex food. plus, the chillis on top of the fish sisig were calling out to me... same as with the Bicol Express. yup. y'also know i'm addicted to spicy stuff. heck, my tolerance for spicy-ness has even gone up the scale na nga eh. i swear i've got such a high tolerance for spicy-ness that my mom gets mad at me na, saying it's bad cos i'm starting to get immuned to spicy. there were so maaaaaany food on the table i don't think i can list 'em all here.

loads of dessert as well! i had to have a bit of each. 2 yummy rich chocolate cakes, frozen mango brazo (im a brazo lover so i still prefer the original brazo tho), and buko pandan.

i swear! EVERYTHING WAS DELISH! and i can't stress that enough. as i told Tito Tanny, that night was a disgrace to our diets (for the entire holiday season! haha). but heck, i'd love to come back to carol there again next week... anf the week after that... everyday pa nga eh! =D

after eating, we asked Kuya Keat to tour us through their new home since we missed to join in on Ate Christine touring the other ladies around. but the real reason was really that we wanted Kuya Keat as our tour guide haha! KUYA KEAT! KUYA KEAT! KUYA KEAT! :P

Loved what Cheska termed as "the little boy's room" aka Kuya Keat's tranquil blue room 'cos of the walk-in closet. Loved Ate Christine's zen red room 'cos of what she said was called a "wall padding". And, I loved Ate Kathy's girly pink room for the Hollywood-inspired dresser.

But the thing I loved most about their home: the attic! aaaah, how cozy!!! i didn't wanna leave,EVER!.., sabi ko nga kay Kuya Keat.

Kuya Keat:you're welcome to come over anytime...
my reply: pssssh. h'yeah right. we ain't ever leaving this place!

kahit nga sa offer niya ng caregiver, willing ako tumanggap eh hahaha

oooh, speaking of the attic, laughtrip si Truffles whose been attacking Kayla here, jumping on her and everything... hahaha

and I'M WEIRD. i know of such thing as referred pain, but is there something as referred tickle??! haha cos as Truffles was licking my hand, i found it ticklish alright. but i wasn't being tickled at the hand but in my thighs... haha. sorry, dun kiliti ko eh. :P


anyway, what else... guess that's pretty much it.

Didn't want to leave sana but we "kids" were just hitching a ride with Tita Lulu. As i found out, the other kuyas/ates were staying pa pala. I wanted to stay longer sana but i already said that i'd go with the kids. if i didnt go, i don't know who to ride with. We'd have to arrange ride assignments again, which would be hard to do last minute, as tita said we'd be leaving na.
anyway, I don't mind. After all, I SHALL RETURN! :P

NEVER take things seriously

had a blast today. lesson learned? see the title of the post. and i think this blog should be a tribute to Ge-An hehehe :P

what happened you ask? we had a 200 item diagnostic exam today to assess our strengths and weaknesses so we know which areas to focus on board reviews. i don't wanna say too much but let's just keep it our little secret and say that things were pretty much hilarious from that point.... and now, i just want to beat around the bush and give this short lecture/advice:

NEVER take things seriously. NEVER have the end in mind. NEVER focus on your goal. keeping your eyes too focused on the prize/the end goal makes you lose focus on life's pleasures... the here and now, the present. the grass is much greener on the other side... yeah sure. whatever. how'd you know? that just simply means you're being to focused on the other side and not on your lawn that you don't notice the graces you have right there..

hahaha... okay, im getting nowhere. KUDOS TO GE tho... may award ka dapat! most determined and honest! :P hahaha love you ge... peace! sarap tumawa noh?!!!! hehehe
seriously, can't stop laughing at this morning's incident till now... just remembering it just makes me give a chuckle, can't help it.


...
anyway, since it's half day... went to the mall after the diagnostic exam to look for a pair of shoes. got hungry so lunch was at KFC... it was either i was so hungry from exams, or i missed KFC that much, or, ... never mind. bottomline was that I PIGGED OUT. haha yummmmy...

got to finish my one piece hot and crispy chicken breast with rice, all smothered with gravy... and i was enjoying my krushers (mocha... boooo to KFC for facing out the caramel flavor!!!!). my kasama finished his hotdog on a bun (which he got somewhere else) and was about to eat his KFC twister... after his first bite, he said he didn't really like it, didn't really taste like pizza as the ad had said. i kept telling him to just keep trying (cos it was just the first bite, he might have just bitten into plain tortilla flour).. halfway through, he gave up on his order and just gave it to me. so, fine. i took it as he just got another order instead (thus, meaning additional drink as well... so we've got a total of 3 krushers). knowing how much i love krushers, he got the last one for me (cookies 'n cream this time so i get to taste it as well)... awwwww... *buuuurrrrp* hehehe :)

apprehension

sem break's almost over (classes resume 04 nov.)... and this time, it's 4th yr - 2nd sem for me... yeah baby! GRADUATION HERE I COME! but....

is it really that great?

all this time i've been so excited for graduation as it means i'm done with my pre-med (BSN) and I'm one step closer to gaining my MD.... that's all i really wanted since i was a child actually.

however...

... re-visiting Chicago last year made me realize that i ought to use my RN as a stepping stone. Use it to get me to the US, work for a couple of years, save up, and support myself through med school. that way, i could actually practice med there... cos otherwise, it's gonna be hard to take up med in 'pinas and try to get in the US... hardly unlikely.

.... now, i honestly can't imagine me having to work as a nurse. makes me scorn.

.... i found some "meanwhile studies" to gradually pursue my med. Nurse Practitioner (NP) vs. Physician's Assistant (PA). both have their pros and cons, and are more or less equal in terms of financial matters. i did my research. as of now i'm leaning more unto the PA side... but before i actually can take that, i need about 4 years (2000 hours of patient-related medical and/or volunteer experience)... but hold on, before you think 'then just go for NP', there is another catch to that. before you can take the course in NP, you first have to have not just a bachelor's degree in nursing but a MASTERAL degree. oh, good luck... and by 2015, they're going to change the pre-requisite to a DOCTORATE (of nursing of course). so, bleck. BESIDES, NPs are not allowed to do surgery (NOOOOOO! for those who don't know me, i'm sorta surgery happy - wanting to be a cardiovascular surgeon)... they are allowed to operate on their own tho, they can open their own clinics but they're trained still more on the nursing aspect...
and that differs greatly from how doctors are wired to think, the way PAs are being trained... PAs are allowed to do surgery but are not allowed to operate their own clinics tho,... they have to fxn under an actual MD. aside from those major differences, both have more or less the same "privilege" of determining Dx, Tx, writing prescriptions (in most states, that is... there are a few which prohibits NPs from giving out prescriptions)...


SO....

right now, I'm absolutely clueless as to what to do.... HELP!!!

*ADVERTISEMENT*

this calls for WLIIA... i so love Ryan Stiles!!!! ^_^
getting me by right now, as i wrote this thing, is the music of Fresh 105.9 (my fave radio station in Chicago)... and the whiff of my Lacoste perfume, which i'm wearing right now... i've almost forgotten how much i love the scent of Lacoste perfumes, my ultimate fave (esp the simple, original pour femme version)

sleep deprivation secondary to a pre-exam rant

I can take being professional but there’s NO WAY I can fake being friendly with her. Especially after that confrontation that we (Cheska, Jhingle, Phogie, Yanyan, and I) had with her which eventually evolved into a “cyber war”. She even involved her mom into the issue and her aunt as well who actually THREATENED TO SUE US on the grounds of child abuse, I think. Haha. Ooooh, I’m so scared! Oh, please! Pfft.

ADHD AIN’T A VALID REASON TO INTRUDE OTHER PEOPLE’S PERSONAL LIVES AND TAKE MUCH OF THEIR PRECIOUS TIME!

I’ve completely dismissed the whole incident already since she started to lie low. But that lasted only a few months. It’s been barely even a year. Now, friends and I begin to notice she’s starting to get to us again, starting to “climb the social ladder” again, thinking we’re uberly-close and everything.

Wrong step, kid. With your attitude and behavior, NONE OF US ARE WILLING TO LET OUR GUARDS DOWN. Plus, call it discrimination if you want but I only interact with SMART, MATURE people.

I mean, c’mon… one time, Nicole said Niña called Nicole’s dad through his CP and he said she wasn’t around. FINE. But guess what. It seems Niña wanted an explanation pa as to why Nicole wasn’t with him. C’mon! If I remember right, he was at work then. Haaay… pathetic!

Anyway, fast forward to the present… last night. Wednesday. 07 Oct 2009. Kuya Carlo asked her to read (to see if she was qualified to read for the children’s mass on Nov). ok, fine. It was really ok for me to actually interact with her on a “business level” as she was practicing but she had to go and take things to the next level and started making kwento, asking stuff about my life, school to be exact. Not really personal but I didn’t want to have anything to do with her na kasi.

I felt my blood rise up to my head in rage, vomit coming all the way up to the esophagus in disgust. I ttok a deep breath. I had to harness all my strength just to answer her damn questions. PA-TIENCE… I had to repeat it in my mind. SORRY BUT I JUST CAN’T BE A PLASTIC.

I ain’t holding a grudge but I can’t exactly forget the past, can I? that would be REPRESSION (tama ba? Or DISSOCIATION? SUPPRESSION? Point is it’s a defense mechanism. Shucks. I can’t remember Psych Nsg. and it’s included in later’s exam – considering it’s 4AM of Thursday, 08 Oct.)

And, to top it all off, she had to ask for my number! ARGH!
I WAS ABOUT TO SNAP TILL I REMEMBERED I WAS INSIDE THE CHURCH.
I wanted to say I don’t memorize it but my CP was right there… DAMN IT!
So I looked around then pretended to scrimmage through my phonebook, trying to buy myself extra time to decide whether to give it or not. I felt like I had to ‘cos what if something impt. comes up and she needed to contact me (i.e. something regarding her reading for the children’s mass). I wanted not to give it… I wanted that badly. I was very much tempted to change some of the numbers as I was giving it to her…grrr…

The instant she turned around & started to leave, I couldn’t hold myself any longer. I turned to Kuya Carlo & blurted out loud to him: I’M DEAD.
She may have been a stone’s throw away, and she definitely could have heard that ‘cos I said it aloud. But I DON’T CARE. I wanted to cry (and I’m the type who rarely cries). I wanted to bang my head against the wall. I needed my best friend there.
Then again, I hope she heard that comment I made earlier ‘cos then at least she’d know I wasn’t willing to befriend her yet. I swear, if she gets incessantly annoying, I may not be as nice as I tried to be in the first confrontation where I had chosen my words carefully (and yet she still got offended). I wouldn’t waste my efforts doing that ‘cos it seems she just doesn’t get it. Instead, I’ll be true to myself this time around… I’ll be me,... the brutally frank & straightforward person who tells it as it is.

---------------------

One thing made me forget about the incident for a while tho… Kuya Carlo suggesting I should have changed the number I gave out. Hahaha. I was so shocked to hear something like that from him, nakakatuwa. Haha. Thanks for that kuya (and all the advices you mentioned to calm me down) =)

Immediately told my mom after and she suggested that I should have said I’ll just send my number to her. And also to just ignore all the texts and calls, hanggang magsawa un. As if that would happen.

Getting in touch with my bestfriend, she told me she’d pray for my patience and peace of mind when I start getting bombarded with all her texts. I also told her: I know I don’t really drink but I feel like I need a drinking buddy right now. She replied telling me to wait a few more days when she’s finally the legal age of 18. haha.

NOTE: see my previous blog entry, "the heat is on", dated 14 January 2009 to read the commentary i sent to Niña during that confrontation.

Touched by a Patient

A little bit of kindness can go a long way.

Yesterday was the last day of our duty rotation at the ICU/Rehab with Dr. Jun.. how sad :( i love having him as our CI, he's my ultimate fave! naks! haha

anyway, since I had already been assigned at the ICU the previous day, I was stationed at the rehab yesterday, where we had nothing to do so carlann and i just ended up doing some exercises (haha... i just had to mention that, didn't I? :P)

as we were fooling around, someone suddenly passed by and called out "FEM!" i turned around to get a better look (yes, all those mirrors weren't enough for me to have a good look at the face value of that person). unfortunately, i only caught a glimpse of the said person. I was so shocked and kept asking carlann if she knew who that was but unfortunately she didn't... she was telling me it might be someone from church (cos some people i know in that hospital happen to be some friends of mine from church) but it seemed pretty unlikely... if she was from the church, i would have recognized the face immediately... then i was trying to think of people from the lecs (which might be possible cos im only a newbie there, so im not really well acquainted with people yet)... but no, it's highly unlikely... i don't know why i thought such but i just had a gut feeling.

I tried to wait for that girl to pass by again and she did.... i was staring at her trying hard to recognize the face... sat down, SQUEEZED what's left of my brain (WHICH was already pureed thanks to all of Doc Jun's questioning during the ICU stay - I couldn't remember all the meds he asked... hahaha!) then i remembered one particular patient of mine....

of the years I've been having hospital rotations, only 3 patients have managed to stick unto my mind (and it's shocking to find out now they were my clients in one common station):

1. my patient from the graveyard shift with Sir Val: a former police... so sweeet and charming, both her and her son... they were both sooo kind and pleasing to attend to...
2. a patient I encountered under Ms. Delia: stuck to me cos she loved me toooo much. always wanted me there at the bedside, asked me to do tons of stuff... TOXIC! made even more so because (i reiterate the fact) Ms. Delia was our CI then... amazing how toxic i could be even when we weren't allowed to give meds and do charting...ask my RLE groupmates and they'll probably remember how i barely was seen at the nurses' station during those days due to my patient and Ms Delia as well, who always stayed with my patient as well, chatting... turns out this patient of mine was the wife of a very famous Philippine artist accdg to Ms. Delia... but as for me, i never heard of him... don't get me wrong, i didn't hate this patient totally tho, her being extra appreciative made things much better for me...
3. the patient i referred to in the previous paragraphs, the one i bumped into at the rehab.. she was my patient during summer with Dr. Jun (amazing it's also with the same CI that I bumped into her, ain't it?!) ... on the very first day, she was quite a terror patient to me, along with her guardians (demanding, namamahiya, quite rude in fact)... even the nurses didn't really like them, they were telling me of how hard it was to please this client and the company. the next day, I managed to tell all the incidents that happened to me from the previous day to Doc Jun... i didn't want her na nga sana as my patient again eh...but who would want to take her... so fine. surprisingly, everything was much better the second time around and on the days that followed... they turned out to be unusually nice to me all of a sudden. it was so weird. and, not only that... on our last day of duty, the client's mother kept trying to get our contact numbers (that of Doc Jun's and mine)... which we refused to give out (discreetly)... i just got their contacts instead but never did dare to actually contact them...so that brings me to the here and now...

OH, NAKAKAHIYA!!!! hahahaha now that i bumped into her again. i was thinking i'd never see them again any longer eh... hahaha shish! they were really nice, and the patient herself was really such a sweetie to me... her mom (and tita) as well, came to be friends in my opinion during those days, gave me advices... and they were even pairing me up with someone... hmmmm... i don't want to say who it is na, i don't want him to know about it... haha

anyway, nice as they were, i don't wanna give my number to them, to these people i don't know.

although, it was really nice to have bumped into this former patient of mine and have her call out my name... i was so touched that she actually still remembered me, my name! i'm so amazed and really touched... although she did show me how grateful she was during the time that i had been her student nurse, her actions yesterday showed me much more... it showed me that she was genuine of those expressions of long ago and i felt like i really did manage to give her good care somehow... :)

life anew

Last night’s discussion during our choir’s formation session was interesting yet scary… it so happened to be about the second coming of our Lord… a.k.a. the end of the world.

It all started with us discussing an article from the July 2004 issue of Totus Tuus Maria. The article was written by our very own choir moderator, and it was about the story of Bro. Stanley Villavicencio.

The highlight of the article (at least for my part, being a BSN student) was the fact that Bro. Stanley had been clinically dead for three days and yet was “raised from the dead” after those three days. That was not the astonishing part for me. I do not doubt whatsoever that part, that was the miracle in itself. The thing that bothers me is the fact that despite being clinically dead, he still had his IV inserted, an ET tube, etc. he was still being cared for by his doctors! Here’s the excerpt to show that part (I’m too lazy to type the whole article in):
“… A man by the name of Stanley Villavicencio, who had been clinically dead for three days, 'rose from the dead', took of his dextrose and the endotracheal tube stuck in his nose – and walked away like any normal person. Three days ago, his heart had stopped, he had turned blue from head to foot and vital organs showed no more signs of life…”

Being in the healthcare field, I had been asked to give my opinion as we discussed the article’s beginning and I just had to point out that ironic fact. As far as I know, upon announcing a person’s death, everything was removed from him (IV, ET tube, cath, etc…) and his body was prepped and, eventually, placed in the morgue. I couldn’t believe the fact that they actually “continued his care” just because his relatives requested (as had been mentioned to us). I mean, seriously! If requests like these were given into, everyone would be requesting that same degree of care. There’s no point for me in continuing this kind of care since it’s totally hopeless to be able to save this client. That basically means the end of medical science.

Ate Anna and Kuya Tutut (okay fine, hold up… Kuya Arthur) clarified this to me by saying that on that first day, he was actually having seizure attacks, and vomiting up blood, gallons and gallons of blood… this made his relatives rush him to the hospital (Chong Hua Hospital, Cebu City).

Okay, so for me, that wasn’t death. He couldn’t have been clinically dead. He was still having seizure, which means there’s still some brain conduction going on. I was asked what the basis for being clinically dead was… so I did try to explain it simply… all that electrical activity of the brain, and such… but found myself talking too scientifically still that I felt as though I was being looked at with blank faces… so I tried to clarify myself, and tried my best to make things simpler still…
“when there’s no more detectable heart beat that no more blood is being pumped throughout the entire body, the lungs no longer give out respirations….”
“Is that all? Are you already dead when that happens?”
“well, no, not really, it actually depends as well on the brain activity… but basically, to make things simple enough, then let’s just say so…”

Moving on, here’s the thing that caught my attention and made my eyes open wide and my mouth gasped… since his coming back to life, Bro. Stanley had been receiving messages from our Lord through dreams and interior locutions. One of the messages of the Lord to him was: “My son, you will witness My final coming.”
Upon the reading of that statement, I felt a shiver travel down my spine. We’ve been told numerous times that the Second Coming would happen during our generation… but I found comfort in the thought that nobody really knows, so people may just be making a wrong estimate of the “signs of the times” but this confirms it. Bro. Stanley was about 50 y/o during this interview, so I’m thinking he must be the age of my parents, our choir moderators, etc… SCARY. I somehow envy Michael Jackson now (yes, I feel sad – and shocked - that he passed away already. I grew up to his music. He’s such a terrible loss to the music industry). Anyway, going back, at least those who’ve already passed away won’t have the hardships of the Second Coming as mentioned in the Book of the Revelations.

After all that, the discussion went to some show (on NGC, I think) which Tito Poyen saw. They did a study on what would happen if a comet were to strike our planet. I wouldn’t explain it here any longer as it’s too complicated and would entail too much details. Bottomline is that during those times, no electrical appliances would work (as mentioned in the Bible) and only the blessed candle could provide light during those days of darkness, which result from the asteroid/comet plunging into Earth. The impact would be so great that the Earth would be tilted out of its axis, there would be earthquakes, tsunamis, and the land would react as it would to an atomic bomb, particles of land would shoot up to the heavens covering the sky and shielding it from any light, thus causing complete darkness where neither the sun, nor the moon, nor the stars in the sky would share its light.

As I said, SCARY. Kayla was even starting to tear up already. It made me feel so bothered. I’m not afraid to die but I can't commit suicide (as my cousin did for reasons unknown... may the Lord bless her soul, her 2nd death anniversary's coming up)... anyway, going back, to do that would be a grave mortal sin. But I also don’t want to see these days where they say all the evil will be released into the world. And it be best that you stay in your homes when this happens, close all windows, and don’t look out. People will be knocking at your houses, people you know, don’t open the door for them. These are the evil spirits fooling you….

YIKES. That’s it. I’m ending here. I think I’m starting to get paranoid… but hey, I’m just sharing what I know.

a letter

actually written 17 March 2009 but only posted now for personal reasons, which i feel is needless to explain. for someone very special and dear to me (i hope you get to know who you are)...

It still isn't easy
Letting you go
No matter how much it's forced
It's something I can't bring myself to do.

Setting things aside
That's fine
But things never seem to come to an end
Somehow it seems you still thrive within me
A part of me still holds on
A part still seems to stay reserved, reserved for you
For no matter how I think it's over
No matter how I think I've moved on
I'm still reminded of the past
And I still do hurt from losing you
And I still do fear losing you forever.

Music and songs that we both shared
They still speak to me, telling me of the stories we made together.
Music and songs, places and events, faces and friends
They are all part of you, of me, of us
Now and then they remind me of you and me
But I wonder if they haunt you in the same way
Or have you left me alone for good?

Forgive me for holding on
But just how do you let go of the best things in your life
And that's all that you are to me
I love how I am with you
And I regret not letting that be known to you.

Without any need for words
Being with you gave me intense joy
Seeing you smile, it never failed to melt my heart
Just gazing at you gave me the deepest sense of serenity
You were one of the few I've always trusted in
I also knew I could count on you for anything
You to me were someone I could lean on
You were someone I wanted to share my life with
But I'm sorry for not letting you into every detail
I had reasons of my own back then
Reasons that are now unclear to me
For all I want right now
Is that we start from where we left off.
I don't want to need you that much
But I do.

the heat is on

last ER duty for the week tonight! woopee! haha (i just really had to say that)
loved having Dr. Dino as a CI (well, not really for his looks... as that's jai's high already haha)... at least kasi he really teaches us how to make our NCPs (Nursing Care Plans). he was the only one who ever showed us our results and the corrections we need to make. yes! i got a 29 and a 28.75 respectively for the past two nights... that's out of 30 ha! wooo! and tonight's NCP grade is still to be revealed :P

anyway, that's already FAR from my SUPPOSED topic.

there's this kid @ choir who practically everyone (if not already everyone) finds so infuriating. and since time immemorial, she's been bugging cheska and i (thankfully, not much of me now)... only to find out, she's been bugging everyone na pala... including with phone calls at 6am! (thankfully ours didn't get that far so as to ruin our private lives:P)... but with what i've seen with Cheska's case, it's just... *gasp* she's been asking that they go out just the two of them. that's ok if you guys were at least friends... but from a complete stranger?! MY GAWHD!!! she's even been asking jhingle, phogie, and company to include her in their sleep-overs/"lakads". haha! and, she so refers us (yes, all of us) as her BESTFRIENDS! eeeew! social climber! :P

anyway, it's amazing how cheska, jhingle, phogi and i collaborated with each other to "eradicate" this "road block" in our lives :P

it all started Saturday evening during the 6pm mass (she even asked me during the mass if she could join us ha... haha, well, that's not really a big deal, but i just had to mention)... and she was bugging me as the priest was talking with questions like where's ate cheska? why isn't she here? is she busy? blahblahblah... i can't remember her exact questions as i wasn't really paying attention to what she was saying... whoops! bad me. just for the purpose of a fact, tho, let me just reiterate the fact that she did mention the following:

1. cheska's her favorite ate
2. she has only us as her friends
3. she refers to us as her best friends
4. she's got no other friends but us
5. she's got no friends at school
6. she eats lunch alone @ school (just wanted to make sure you get the point)
7. she cries (i don't know why she has to mention this every time we apparently do something wrong to her... how shallow! how sensitive! how pathetic!)

anyway, that night, we didn't have any choir practice so i went home and decided to go turn on the net to watch some movies online (bedtime stories sucked, mind you! i didn't have the guts to finish it... the hamster whatchamacallit was kinda cute tho)... somewhere at the start of the movie, i receive a msg from her at multiply telling me na galit daw si cheska and asking me why...blahblahbalh... iyak na daw siya ng iyak. pweh! i was trying to prolong the agony :P and just replied "how'd you tell" haha pang-asar?! so, then, already consulted ches as well as to whether or not i should go all frank with her (sobrang sensitive kasi eh, nakakainis, i don't wanna waste my words on her... so in the end, tried to be nice pa rin... bata pa kasi eh, baka maging traumatic sa kanya:P)

ate nicole was online that night, working... she messaged me with something like enjoy your movies... and i just had to tell her that i couldn't enjoy it cos of someone... haha. she eventually started giving some advices (well, lots of em actually).. and they were pretty good! hilarious! haha! wonder why i didn't think of those :P

in the end,somewhere between that night and today, the kid still insisted we admit that we don't like her... haha. so we did, each of us replied to her multiply as to why we didn't like her... haha... this was my reply (as cautiously worded as possible hehehe):

don't get me wrong ha... you just wanted answers so im gonna try to give them to
you. and just a warning, im a brutally frank and straightforward person. i say
things as they are. im not really good in sugar-coating stuff,... although i am
gonna try to make this as easy as possible for you to digest... but i cant
guarantee that you're not gonna be disappointed/hurt with what i say.

tho, for the record, let me say, cheska's right. not everything we say is about
you. we weren't referring to you when we mentioned L. that's another business.

there's nothing wrong in trying to be friends, but just in our point of view,
its your manner of making friends that's wrong. you're only pushing them farther
away. alam mo na pala na makulit ka eh, why didn't you go easy on that then?
kung sabihin, para na siguro kami nasasakal or something.. it's like you were
being way too pushy/assertive of yourself on us. you can't just be close to
anyone you like, you can't just make friends with someone simply by saying that
you like them, or that you're close,or that you wanna be friends with them.
that's not how simple friendship is. acquiantance maybe, but not friendship. it
takes time to be considered close, to be bestbuds, to be in a barkada. its not
only a matter of sharing common interests or points of view. all us in the choir
have known each other for several years now, that's how we came to know each
other. take my following relations between people as example: with your ate
cheska we didn't become bestfriends the instant we met, the instant we first
joined choir, it took us years. then, lets say, with your ate jingle and ate
phogi... we've also known each other since we were kids (noting that i've been
in the choir since i was in 6th grade). i think now, you could somehow consider
us friends, but we're not really bestfriends. we're not really that close. it's
not that i don't like them, it's just that i never really had the opportunity to
get to know them that much. so, now, they have their own circle of friends, and
so do i. that's as of the moment. i'm not saying that our groups are rivals,
competing against each other but just that we "function" under seperate
barkadas.... but we're basically friends... we generally get along. it's just
that in their barkada, they make their own plans, their own gimmicks... they
don't invite cheska & i but do we feel bad? no. it's their choice. no hard
feelings. that's because we accept reality and we respect their decision to do
things on their own. we accept the fact that we aren't really that close to them
to be doing stuff together. we don't push ourselves to them saying "oh please,
let us go with you the next time you do this, do that.. blahblahblah". that's
their thing, they wouldn't want to let "strangers" suddenly into the barkada
hang-outs, just like me and my barkada in school.

you mention not having friends at school, then why don't you reflect on that?
honestly, if it makes you feel better, i was partly also that way during my
freshman year in HS, i also ate lunch alone... but c'mon! that didn't make me
crave attention from others. i didn't go around telling people how sad my life
is. i tried to look what must be wrong.

think of it this way, if you can't get friends at school, friends who are the
same age as you, what makes you think you'd be able to get friends outside
school, especially those older than you... do you think that because we're
older, we'll understand and we'll accept you in our clan just like that? well,
that may be true but is that what you really want? a life of pity from others?
STOP SELF-PITY! and don't expect others to pity you as well. that's another
thing dragging you down,y'know. it's annoying. so you eat lunch alone, SO WHAT?!
who cares? that doesn't necessarily mean you're a loser. just be yourself. by
you're being self-pitiful, you may just as well be trying to be someone you're
not which may also be another point. you may say otherwise but others would have
a gut feeling. they may not exactly be able to pinpoint that fact but they'll
have a sense that you're just trying to be someone you're not.

just be yourself. and learn to respect other people's decision/reaction. respect
their privacy, their time, their lives. matuto kang makiramdam sa kapwa. kung
ayaw nila, di huwag, don't force it. YOU CAN'T FORCE EVERYBODY TO LIKE YOU.

and now, she's saying things like: okay i'll just wait for how many years... but is there a possibility that you'll still consider me a friend? pffft! DON'T YOU JUST GET IT KID?! for the record, may i just mention that we (at least cheska and i) mentioned that she better try looking for people her own age. i mean, she aint smart enough for us! :P and i mean, seriously, she's gotta mature A LOT for me to at least like her. c'mon! y'know how i like dealing with mature people as i've grown up with older people! cheska's probably the only exception to the mature people rule i have going on in my life hahaha :P

Happy Birthday to me :)

Yesterday was my birthday and I had a real blast! original plan i had was to hold some get-together with my 'GossipGirl' clan :) unfortunately, i decided to do against that as this was the day that we (in the choir) decided to schedule our Christmas party... so this, is what happened on that day:

upon midnight of my bday, as i was putting myself to sleep thinking of my celeb crushie (Mark Wahlberg *wink*), my best friend (Cheska) texted me to greet me.... we ended up texting each other until about 2AM. i couldn't hold my sleepiness any longer so i decided to go and sleep and i ended waking up before 8AM. man! (and to think i'd been sooo puyat from the previous days, esp. new year!) thinking i could just sleep later in the afternoon, i got up.

lunch time: my brothers unexpectedly invited themselves over for lunch. the whole family was here. it was nice and fun till i got incredibly sleepy! but i couldn't sleep... except for probably half an hour...

at about 4, i started preparing myself for our usual 6pm Saturday mass... after the mass, it was party time. ..but i had to get home to cut up the chickens (13 of em) we had roasted for the party... it was a potluck party. we (mom & i) were in such hurry.

got to Tita Lulu's place, the party was to be held in their rooftop. thankfully, upon arriving, Cheska and ate Christine were there to help me bring up the 2 bilaos of chicken and some gravy.

After saying the grace before meals (led by Ella), Tita Lulu immediately led everyone to sing "happy birthday" to me. awww.. kakahiya!!!! man! attention was on me! hehehe *blush* imagine this happening numerous times in the night! haha! they kept singing to me, esp the guys! pauso! lakas mang-trip! :P

after eating, had some games prepared by kuya tutut and ate anna. super fun! there were 3 games. we were divided into 3 groups, each group consisted of some ARCHCONs, some KMIs, some niñas.
1st game: the 'CHRISTMAS' game? not sure of the title eh... but it was some spelling game.
2nd game: charades. super fun! we even asked that there be more! ^_^
3rd game: (for the kids) hephep-hooray!

after the last game, we played another round of charades, as by request. it was supposed to be ARCHCON vs KMI vs niñas but the niñas didn't want to join so it was just basically ARCHCON vs KMI (+2priests - Fr. Rolly and Fr. Jeff).. aka boys vs girls. the girls won!!! woooo!!!


after, had some pictorials :P and some time after that, the guys even asked if they could get a picture with me, the bday girl. haay... parang debut! and then after, as i was getting my camera from Cheska (I left it with her during those "debut pics" so she could take some photos of it for me), the guys called me back again! "keat and femi!!! keat and femi!!!" they were saying... pfft. haha! set-up!!! :P


by the time the kids left, the booze started to pour...kuya raf mixed up some alcoholic beverage and distributed it to people... the magic sing was set up and we had some jamming sessions. we even had some contest. those who were willing to "donate" pitched in php50 each... and we were able to gather php1000! that was what we made as our "cash prize" for the winner of the singing contest, which kuya raf won! congratz! =) somewhere in the middle of the contest, kuya czeben asked me if it was okay for me to have a duet with him... i don't really like singing in public... but fine, for their sake, i agreed. i didn't want to be a KJ. i specifically told him to pick a song that wasn't high and he said ok... but what did he pick? endless love. GAWHD! ang taas nun! i don't care if i sounded terrible (which i knew i definitely did) but hey, it was TOO HIGH! haha! INIS! :P


but, this was the most fun i've had for quite some time now. I didn't want to go home yet actually but i had to, wala na ko masasabayan pauwi eh :P went home with ate joj and ate quez at about 230AM the next day na... and i still haven't slept since. literally. so, spent the time uploading photos. hehe must be i'm dreading having to back to school that much. yes, unfortunately, tomorrow, it's back to duty :(

man, i wish how that night hadn't ended so soon! FUNFUNFUN! ^_^

the week gone by

Exam week's over... how sad... it's back to normal schedules now... duty, classes, haaay. Pretty much a lot has gone by, and I've definitely enjoyed the "break".

Monday - studied. no, not our lessons. did no reviewing on this day. kept my mind free from school-related stuff. in a way, i just studied things that have happened in the past regarding him, yes, things still seem unclear to me.... but thanks to lani, i've realized that it was probably a "two-way road disaster", if you know what i mean. I've always somehow blamed myself for letting go... my mom blamed him for being too slow and unclear of himself. i don't know, i'm at a loss of words to explain things right now but basically, now I realize that we both probably are at fault for the way things are. And, if he sees this, I just wanna say I'M SORRY. i can't elaborate on things, it's something probably better kept between us two... but i'm hoping we could talk things out. i miss everything, all those memories... i still remember every minute detail.


Tuesday & Wednesday - promised myself to dedicate these days to reviewing for the upcoming exams (for the first time)... but as it turns out, I've stayed true to my same old principle of not studying... hehe. I've managed to find petty reasons to take a 5-minute study break (every time I hit the books)... and that 5-minute break always turned into at least 5 hours away from my books/notes. so for these two days, i've probably only managed to dedicate about 2 hours to studying (or more like, browsing) notes.

Thursday - exam day. didn't get much sleep the night before. so come break, my intention of studying for the NCM exam was once again, dismissed. thanks to rox tho for studying out loud, making me feel annoyed for it seemed that i was mostly clueless on the stuff she mentioned. :P
After exams, headed home and prepared myself for the night. we were going to Manila Hotel, as my dad had some awarding event. food was quite depressing but I loved the soup they served... and the dessert! I just had to take some pictures of it (cos it looked that pretty). right after dad got his award, mom and i headed to the bar, dad followed some time after. the band was sooo good! we stayed till the end... leaving at about 12.... and to think i had a dental appointment the next morning. oh no!

Friday - I've been looking forward to this day, another appointment with my TMJ specialist. heck, slept really late and woke up pretty darn early for my 8am appointment. thankfully tho, i wasn't sleepy during the time... but to make me feel jittery came the fact that i thought we were gonna be late! traffic was so heavy. haaay. thankfully, got to the clinic on time.

Saturday - fun. usual choir sched. tho, we were soo few. just 4 of us - Ate Anna, Ate Christine, Cheska, and I. the night was fun, bonding... except for the fact that Kuya Tutut and Ate Anna were pressuring me on dishing out facts on my crush (and they'd try to guess who he was)... argh! they wouldn't let me get down from the car until i told them daw... Kuya Tutut locked the car doors.... hahaha... so, the car was parked outside our place for quite some time... hahaha... i was soooo frantic. hahaha. good thing i was saved from that moment tho... they let me go rin... without me saying a thing... haha. i strongly refuse to give clues as to who he is... :P

Alto in training

Well, choir's been pretty fun(-ny?) lately. Last week, ate Dianne shared some stories on her WYD Sydney experience... and she brought chockies along (that's my new term for chocolates)... tons and tons of them! the cute part of last week's session: kitty notes made by ate Nicole after solfeggio lessons (as we were having choir practice). ---> just visit my multiply acct. for more pics.... including those of the leftover chocolates and the wrappers of those we've managed to have eaten! :P




And this week, we're starting to practice for 08 Sept. And, tita asked me to learn the alto parts... cos we need more altos, especially if the niñas are singing along with us. wooohoo! so, it's a long weekend, given that monday's a holiday, and I'm gonna be spending the time studying the alto parts. joy! challenge! i mean, don't get me wrong, it's not my first time to be doing voicing, I've done so before during Simbanggabi slots, Christmas midnight mass and Easter Vigil mass... but it'll probably be my first time outside those events... haha... i don't know. not like i count it, ... but anyway, maybe it's more new tunes to "adapt" myself to.

Funny part of the night: i had my barok (sp??) moment.
Ate Queza: sino nagdala ng food?
me: I don't know...
Cheska: It just appeared from thin air.
me: yeah, probably... *poof*... FELLING from the sky...
(harhar)


And, going home, had an "adventure" with ate Dianne... haha. her gas tank was on "empty" na... so we had to go to the gasoline station... we passed the Elizalde route to Phase I (which was nearer the gas station) only to find out that they've closed the gates (and only at around 1020pm... tsktsktsk!)... so we had to turn to the clubhouse, taking the Aguirre route, passing Tropical Supermarket... taking a longer time. WHEW! buti nakaabot... and we (ok, I. dunno about ate Dianne) thought that the gas station was closed as it was completely dark! turns out, only a few lights were left on there, those of the open "stations". And it was there at the gas station that ate Dianne knew that I'm an addict... haha. I love the smell of gas, paint, ... rugby (she filled that part in) haha. weird daw. well, .... haha! :P

AMBUSH!

It's so sad that this is our last day @ the LPDH OR. All the nurses there have just been soooo kind ^_^ funny part of the day probably was where we ambushed Sir Neil (aka "Sir Happy" daw) for some photoshoot.... right in the LPDH caf. haha.

The challenge I've found amusing: Dr. Clyde asked us to name 4 (or 5 ba) nurses in the LPDH OR that we've come to know during our 6-day duty there. Hmmm.... kakatuwa! I had no problem doing so (a proof ata na ganun sila ka-friendly/-bait). So, lemme try to really enumerate all those whom I've come to know... in a way, siguro, it's a way of showing my gratitude to them na rin...

1. Ma'am Rachelle (shucks! di ako sanay... talagang "ate" pa kasi tawag ko hehe)
2. Sir Neil
3. Sir Aries
4. Sir Joel
5. Sir Chris
6. Sir Fort
7. Sir Bert
8. Sir Jack
9. Sir Francis
10. Ma'am Monet
11. Ma'am Jane
12. Ma'am Gina
13. Ma'am Cha

hmmm... 13. not bad. ung mga girls kasi, nakilala ko lang from reading their name tags... but didn't really get to talk to them much as the guys. kasi sila talaga ung mga nakakausap talaga namin at nasasalubong sa loob ng OR. :P

familiarity

Last week, at the OR, as I was to accompany Maricar in having her break, I saw a familiar face as we exited the OR itself, as we were placing on our lab gowns and changing our shoes. I recognized her to be someone from the choir. I immediately waved and she smiled back. I couldn't really remember her name at this point, I just recognized the face.

Yesterday, I saw that familiar face once again... INSIDE the OR this time. I was soooo shocked! I was probably staring! hehehe. At one time, I checked the board for her name: Rachelle. Yes, possible, Ate Rachelle. but hmmm, I don't really want to be all too sure. Yet, I didn't really have the nerve to go and approach her though I did try. hehe. I was just too shy and unsure of myself. So, upon arriving home, I immediately checked Friendster. and Yes, it was confirmed, it's her, from the ARCHCON.

Today, as she was just around (and as Dr. Clyde had already asked her earlier... haha, inunahan pa ako! cos I told him kasi that she looked familiar eh), I asked her.... and yeah, it's definitely her. wow! small world nanaman! how fun! it's nice to know na you know someone there. sayang lang at last week na namin ito in LPDH OR. tho, yeah, we'd have one more week here in the Finals, AM shift naman. Sana, I'd get to bump into her pa rin then. =)