a letter

actually written 17 March 2009 but only posted now for personal reasons, which i feel is needless to explain. for someone very special and dear to me (i hope you get to know who you are)...

It still isn't easy
Letting you go
No matter how much it's forced
It's something I can't bring myself to do.

Setting things aside
That's fine
But things never seem to come to an end
Somehow it seems you still thrive within me
A part of me still holds on
A part still seems to stay reserved, reserved for you
For no matter how I think it's over
No matter how I think I've moved on
I'm still reminded of the past
And I still do hurt from losing you
And I still do fear losing you forever.

Music and songs that we both shared
They still speak to me, telling me of the stories we made together.
Music and songs, places and events, faces and friends
They are all part of you, of me, of us
Now and then they remind me of you and me
But I wonder if they haunt you in the same way
Or have you left me alone for good?

Forgive me for holding on
But just how do you let go of the best things in your life
And that's all that you are to me
I love how I am with you
And I regret not letting that be known to you.

Without any need for words
Being with you gave me intense joy
Seeing you smile, it never failed to melt my heart
Just gazing at you gave me the deepest sense of serenity
You were one of the few I've always trusted in
I also knew I could count on you for anything
You to me were someone I could lean on
You were someone I wanted to share my life with
But I'm sorry for not letting you into every detail
I had reasons of my own back then
Reasons that are now unclear to me
For all I want right now
Is that we start from where we left off.
I don't want to need you that much
But I do.