apprehension

sem break's almost over (classes resume 04 nov.)... and this time, it's 4th yr - 2nd sem for me... yeah baby! GRADUATION HERE I COME! but....

is it really that great?

all this time i've been so excited for graduation as it means i'm done with my pre-med (BSN) and I'm one step closer to gaining my MD.... that's all i really wanted since i was a child actually.

however...

... re-visiting Chicago last year made me realize that i ought to use my RN as a stepping stone. Use it to get me to the US, work for a couple of years, save up, and support myself through med school. that way, i could actually practice med there... cos otherwise, it's gonna be hard to take up med in 'pinas and try to get in the US... hardly unlikely.

.... now, i honestly can't imagine me having to work as a nurse. makes me scorn.

.... i found some "meanwhile studies" to gradually pursue my med. Nurse Practitioner (NP) vs. Physician's Assistant (PA). both have their pros and cons, and are more or less equal in terms of financial matters. i did my research. as of now i'm leaning more unto the PA side... but before i actually can take that, i need about 4 years (2000 hours of patient-related medical and/or volunteer experience)... but hold on, before you think 'then just go for NP', there is another catch to that. before you can take the course in NP, you first have to have not just a bachelor's degree in nursing but a MASTERAL degree. oh, good luck... and by 2015, they're going to change the pre-requisite to a DOCTORATE (of nursing of course). so, bleck. BESIDES, NPs are not allowed to do surgery (NOOOOOO! for those who don't know me, i'm sorta surgery happy - wanting to be a cardiovascular surgeon)... they are allowed to operate on their own tho, they can open their own clinics but they're trained still more on the nursing aspect...
and that differs greatly from how doctors are wired to think, the way PAs are being trained... PAs are allowed to do surgery but are not allowed to operate their own clinics tho,... they have to fxn under an actual MD. aside from those major differences, both have more or less the same "privilege" of determining Dx, Tx, writing prescriptions (in most states, that is... there are a few which prohibits NPs from giving out prescriptions)...


SO....

right now, I'm absolutely clueless as to what to do.... HELP!!!

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this calls for WLIIA... i so love Ryan Stiles!!!! ^_^
getting me by right now, as i wrote this thing, is the music of Fresh 105.9 (my fave radio station in Chicago)... and the whiff of my Lacoste perfume, which i'm wearing right now... i've almost forgotten how much i love the scent of Lacoste perfumes, my ultimate fave (esp the simple, original pour femme version)

sleep deprivation secondary to a pre-exam rant

I can take being professional but there’s NO WAY I can fake being friendly with her. Especially after that confrontation that we (Cheska, Jhingle, Phogie, Yanyan, and I) had with her which eventually evolved into a “cyber war”. She even involved her mom into the issue and her aunt as well who actually THREATENED TO SUE US on the grounds of child abuse, I think. Haha. Ooooh, I’m so scared! Oh, please! Pfft.

ADHD AIN’T A VALID REASON TO INTRUDE OTHER PEOPLE’S PERSONAL LIVES AND TAKE MUCH OF THEIR PRECIOUS TIME!

I’ve completely dismissed the whole incident already since she started to lie low. But that lasted only a few months. It’s been barely even a year. Now, friends and I begin to notice she’s starting to get to us again, starting to “climb the social ladder” again, thinking we’re uberly-close and everything.

Wrong step, kid. With your attitude and behavior, NONE OF US ARE WILLING TO LET OUR GUARDS DOWN. Plus, call it discrimination if you want but I only interact with SMART, MATURE people.

I mean, c’mon… one time, Nicole said Niña called Nicole’s dad through his CP and he said she wasn’t around. FINE. But guess what. It seems Niña wanted an explanation pa as to why Nicole wasn’t with him. C’mon! If I remember right, he was at work then. Haaay… pathetic!

Anyway, fast forward to the present… last night. Wednesday. 07 Oct 2009. Kuya Carlo asked her to read (to see if she was qualified to read for the children’s mass on Nov). ok, fine. It was really ok for me to actually interact with her on a “business level” as she was practicing but she had to go and take things to the next level and started making kwento, asking stuff about my life, school to be exact. Not really personal but I didn’t want to have anything to do with her na kasi.

I felt my blood rise up to my head in rage, vomit coming all the way up to the esophagus in disgust. I ttok a deep breath. I had to harness all my strength just to answer her damn questions. PA-TIENCE… I had to repeat it in my mind. SORRY BUT I JUST CAN’T BE A PLASTIC.

I ain’t holding a grudge but I can’t exactly forget the past, can I? that would be REPRESSION (tama ba? Or DISSOCIATION? SUPPRESSION? Point is it’s a defense mechanism. Shucks. I can’t remember Psych Nsg. and it’s included in later’s exam – considering it’s 4AM of Thursday, 08 Oct.)

And, to top it all off, she had to ask for my number! ARGH!
I WAS ABOUT TO SNAP TILL I REMEMBERED I WAS INSIDE THE CHURCH.
I wanted to say I don’t memorize it but my CP was right there… DAMN IT!
So I looked around then pretended to scrimmage through my phonebook, trying to buy myself extra time to decide whether to give it or not. I felt like I had to ‘cos what if something impt. comes up and she needed to contact me (i.e. something regarding her reading for the children’s mass). I wanted not to give it… I wanted that badly. I was very much tempted to change some of the numbers as I was giving it to her…grrr…

The instant she turned around & started to leave, I couldn’t hold myself any longer. I turned to Kuya Carlo & blurted out loud to him: I’M DEAD.
She may have been a stone’s throw away, and she definitely could have heard that ‘cos I said it aloud. But I DON’T CARE. I wanted to cry (and I’m the type who rarely cries). I wanted to bang my head against the wall. I needed my best friend there.
Then again, I hope she heard that comment I made earlier ‘cos then at least she’d know I wasn’t willing to befriend her yet. I swear, if she gets incessantly annoying, I may not be as nice as I tried to be in the first confrontation where I had chosen my words carefully (and yet she still got offended). I wouldn’t waste my efforts doing that ‘cos it seems she just doesn’t get it. Instead, I’ll be true to myself this time around… I’ll be me,... the brutally frank & straightforward person who tells it as it is.

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One thing made me forget about the incident for a while tho… Kuya Carlo suggesting I should have changed the number I gave out. Hahaha. I was so shocked to hear something like that from him, nakakatuwa. Haha. Thanks for that kuya (and all the advices you mentioned to calm me down) =)

Immediately told my mom after and she suggested that I should have said I’ll just send my number to her. And also to just ignore all the texts and calls, hanggang magsawa un. As if that would happen.

Getting in touch with my bestfriend, she told me she’d pray for my patience and peace of mind when I start getting bombarded with all her texts. I also told her: I know I don’t really drink but I feel like I need a drinking buddy right now. She replied telling me to wait a few more days when she’s finally the legal age of 18. haha.

NOTE: see my previous blog entry, "the heat is on", dated 14 January 2009 to read the commentary i sent to Niña during that confrontation.