life anew

Last night’s discussion during our choir’s formation session was interesting yet scary… it so happened to be about the second coming of our Lord… a.k.a. the end of the world.

It all started with us discussing an article from the July 2004 issue of Totus Tuus Maria. The article was written by our very own choir moderator, and it was about the story of Bro. Stanley Villavicencio.

The highlight of the article (at least for my part, being a BSN student) was the fact that Bro. Stanley had been clinically dead for three days and yet was “raised from the dead” after those three days. That was not the astonishing part for me. I do not doubt whatsoever that part, that was the miracle in itself. The thing that bothers me is the fact that despite being clinically dead, he still had his IV inserted, an ET tube, etc. he was still being cared for by his doctors! Here’s the excerpt to show that part (I’m too lazy to type the whole article in):
“… A man by the name of Stanley Villavicencio, who had been clinically dead for three days, 'rose from the dead', took of his dextrose and the endotracheal tube stuck in his nose – and walked away like any normal person. Three days ago, his heart had stopped, he had turned blue from head to foot and vital organs showed no more signs of life…”

Being in the healthcare field, I had been asked to give my opinion as we discussed the article’s beginning and I just had to point out that ironic fact. As far as I know, upon announcing a person’s death, everything was removed from him (IV, ET tube, cath, etc…) and his body was prepped and, eventually, placed in the morgue. I couldn’t believe the fact that they actually “continued his care” just because his relatives requested (as had been mentioned to us). I mean, seriously! If requests like these were given into, everyone would be requesting that same degree of care. There’s no point for me in continuing this kind of care since it’s totally hopeless to be able to save this client. That basically means the end of medical science.

Ate Anna and Kuya Tutut (okay fine, hold up… Kuya Arthur) clarified this to me by saying that on that first day, he was actually having seizure attacks, and vomiting up blood, gallons and gallons of blood… this made his relatives rush him to the hospital (Chong Hua Hospital, Cebu City).

Okay, so for me, that wasn’t death. He couldn’t have been clinically dead. He was still having seizure, which means there’s still some brain conduction going on. I was asked what the basis for being clinically dead was… so I did try to explain it simply… all that electrical activity of the brain, and such… but found myself talking too scientifically still that I felt as though I was being looked at with blank faces… so I tried to clarify myself, and tried my best to make things simpler still…
“when there’s no more detectable heart beat that no more blood is being pumped throughout the entire body, the lungs no longer give out respirations….”
“Is that all? Are you already dead when that happens?”
“well, no, not really, it actually depends as well on the brain activity… but basically, to make things simple enough, then let’s just say so…”

Moving on, here’s the thing that caught my attention and made my eyes open wide and my mouth gasped… since his coming back to life, Bro. Stanley had been receiving messages from our Lord through dreams and interior locutions. One of the messages of the Lord to him was: “My son, you will witness My final coming.”
Upon the reading of that statement, I felt a shiver travel down my spine. We’ve been told numerous times that the Second Coming would happen during our generation… but I found comfort in the thought that nobody really knows, so people may just be making a wrong estimate of the “signs of the times” but this confirms it. Bro. Stanley was about 50 y/o during this interview, so I’m thinking he must be the age of my parents, our choir moderators, etc… SCARY. I somehow envy Michael Jackson now (yes, I feel sad – and shocked - that he passed away already. I grew up to his music. He’s such a terrible loss to the music industry). Anyway, going back, at least those who’ve already passed away won’t have the hardships of the Second Coming as mentioned in the Book of the Revelations.

After all that, the discussion went to some show (on NGC, I think) which Tito Poyen saw. They did a study on what would happen if a comet were to strike our planet. I wouldn’t explain it here any longer as it’s too complicated and would entail too much details. Bottomline is that during those times, no electrical appliances would work (as mentioned in the Bible) and only the blessed candle could provide light during those days of darkness, which result from the asteroid/comet plunging into Earth. The impact would be so great that the Earth would be tilted out of its axis, there would be earthquakes, tsunamis, and the land would react as it would to an atomic bomb, particles of land would shoot up to the heavens covering the sky and shielding it from any light, thus causing complete darkness where neither the sun, nor the moon, nor the stars in the sky would share its light.

As I said, SCARY. Kayla was even starting to tear up already. It made me feel so bothered. I’m not afraid to die but I can't commit suicide (as my cousin did for reasons unknown... may the Lord bless her soul, her 2nd death anniversary's coming up)... anyway, going back, to do that would be a grave mortal sin. But I also don’t want to see these days where they say all the evil will be released into the world. And it be best that you stay in your homes when this happens, close all windows, and don’t look out. People will be knocking at your houses, people you know, don’t open the door for them. These are the evil spirits fooling you….

YIKES. That’s it. I’m ending here. I think I’m starting to get paranoid… but hey, I’m just sharing what I know.

a letter

actually written 17 March 2009 but only posted now for personal reasons, which i feel is needless to explain. for someone very special and dear to me (i hope you get to know who you are)...

It still isn't easy
Letting you go
No matter how much it's forced
It's something I can't bring myself to do.

Setting things aside
That's fine
But things never seem to come to an end
Somehow it seems you still thrive within me
A part of me still holds on
A part still seems to stay reserved, reserved for you
For no matter how I think it's over
No matter how I think I've moved on
I'm still reminded of the past
And I still do hurt from losing you
And I still do fear losing you forever.

Music and songs that we both shared
They still speak to me, telling me of the stories we made together.
Music and songs, places and events, faces and friends
They are all part of you, of me, of us
Now and then they remind me of you and me
But I wonder if they haunt you in the same way
Or have you left me alone for good?

Forgive me for holding on
But just how do you let go of the best things in your life
And that's all that you are to me
I love how I am with you
And I regret not letting that be known to you.

Without any need for words
Being with you gave me intense joy
Seeing you smile, it never failed to melt my heart
Just gazing at you gave me the deepest sense of serenity
You were one of the few I've always trusted in
I also knew I could count on you for anything
You to me were someone I could lean on
You were someone I wanted to share my life with
But I'm sorry for not letting you into every detail
I had reasons of my own back then
Reasons that are now unclear to me
For all I want right now
Is that we start from where we left off.
I don't want to need you that much
But I do.

the heat is on

last ER duty for the week tonight! woopee! haha (i just really had to say that)
loved having Dr. Dino as a CI (well, not really for his looks... as that's jai's high already haha)... at least kasi he really teaches us how to make our NCPs (Nursing Care Plans). he was the only one who ever showed us our results and the corrections we need to make. yes! i got a 29 and a 28.75 respectively for the past two nights... that's out of 30 ha! wooo! and tonight's NCP grade is still to be revealed :P

anyway, that's already FAR from my SUPPOSED topic.

there's this kid @ choir who practically everyone (if not already everyone) finds so infuriating. and since time immemorial, she's been bugging cheska and i (thankfully, not much of me now)... only to find out, she's been bugging everyone na pala... including with phone calls at 6am! (thankfully ours didn't get that far so as to ruin our private lives:P)... but with what i've seen with Cheska's case, it's just... *gasp* she's been asking that they go out just the two of them. that's ok if you guys were at least friends... but from a complete stranger?! MY GAWHD!!! she's even been asking jhingle, phogie, and company to include her in their sleep-overs/"lakads". haha! and, she so refers us (yes, all of us) as her BESTFRIENDS! eeeew! social climber! :P

anyway, it's amazing how cheska, jhingle, phogi and i collaborated with each other to "eradicate" this "road block" in our lives :P

it all started Saturday evening during the 6pm mass (she even asked me during the mass if she could join us ha... haha, well, that's not really a big deal, but i just had to mention)... and she was bugging me as the priest was talking with questions like where's ate cheska? why isn't she here? is she busy? blahblahblah... i can't remember her exact questions as i wasn't really paying attention to what she was saying... whoops! bad me. just for the purpose of a fact, tho, let me just reiterate the fact that she did mention the following:

1. cheska's her favorite ate
2. she has only us as her friends
3. she refers to us as her best friends
4. she's got no other friends but us
5. she's got no friends at school
6. she eats lunch alone @ school (just wanted to make sure you get the point)
7. she cries (i don't know why she has to mention this every time we apparently do something wrong to her... how shallow! how sensitive! how pathetic!)

anyway, that night, we didn't have any choir practice so i went home and decided to go turn on the net to watch some movies online (bedtime stories sucked, mind you! i didn't have the guts to finish it... the hamster whatchamacallit was kinda cute tho)... somewhere at the start of the movie, i receive a msg from her at multiply telling me na galit daw si cheska and asking me why...blahblahbalh... iyak na daw siya ng iyak. pweh! i was trying to prolong the agony :P and just replied "how'd you tell" haha pang-asar?! so, then, already consulted ches as well as to whether or not i should go all frank with her (sobrang sensitive kasi eh, nakakainis, i don't wanna waste my words on her... so in the end, tried to be nice pa rin... bata pa kasi eh, baka maging traumatic sa kanya:P)

ate nicole was online that night, working... she messaged me with something like enjoy your movies... and i just had to tell her that i couldn't enjoy it cos of someone... haha. she eventually started giving some advices (well, lots of em actually).. and they were pretty good! hilarious! haha! wonder why i didn't think of those :P

in the end,somewhere between that night and today, the kid still insisted we admit that we don't like her... haha. so we did, each of us replied to her multiply as to why we didn't like her... haha... this was my reply (as cautiously worded as possible hehehe):

don't get me wrong ha... you just wanted answers so im gonna try to give them to
you. and just a warning, im a brutally frank and straightforward person. i say
things as they are. im not really good in sugar-coating stuff,... although i am
gonna try to make this as easy as possible for you to digest... but i cant
guarantee that you're not gonna be disappointed/hurt with what i say.

tho, for the record, let me say, cheska's right. not everything we say is about
you. we weren't referring to you when we mentioned L. that's another business.

there's nothing wrong in trying to be friends, but just in our point of view,
its your manner of making friends that's wrong. you're only pushing them farther
away. alam mo na pala na makulit ka eh, why didn't you go easy on that then?
kung sabihin, para na siguro kami nasasakal or something.. it's like you were
being way too pushy/assertive of yourself on us. you can't just be close to
anyone you like, you can't just make friends with someone simply by saying that
you like them, or that you're close,or that you wanna be friends with them.
that's not how simple friendship is. acquiantance maybe, but not friendship. it
takes time to be considered close, to be bestbuds, to be in a barkada. its not
only a matter of sharing common interests or points of view. all us in the choir
have known each other for several years now, that's how we came to know each
other. take my following relations between people as example: with your ate
cheska we didn't become bestfriends the instant we met, the instant we first
joined choir, it took us years. then, lets say, with your ate jingle and ate
phogi... we've also known each other since we were kids (noting that i've been
in the choir since i was in 6th grade). i think now, you could somehow consider
us friends, but we're not really bestfriends. we're not really that close. it's
not that i don't like them, it's just that i never really had the opportunity to
get to know them that much. so, now, they have their own circle of friends, and
so do i. that's as of the moment. i'm not saying that our groups are rivals,
competing against each other but just that we "function" under seperate
barkadas.... but we're basically friends... we generally get along. it's just
that in their barkada, they make their own plans, their own gimmicks... they
don't invite cheska & i but do we feel bad? no. it's their choice. no hard
feelings. that's because we accept reality and we respect their decision to do
things on their own. we accept the fact that we aren't really that close to them
to be doing stuff together. we don't push ourselves to them saying "oh please,
let us go with you the next time you do this, do that.. blahblahblah". that's
their thing, they wouldn't want to let "strangers" suddenly into the barkada
hang-outs, just like me and my barkada in school.

you mention not having friends at school, then why don't you reflect on that?
honestly, if it makes you feel better, i was partly also that way during my
freshman year in HS, i also ate lunch alone... but c'mon! that didn't make me
crave attention from others. i didn't go around telling people how sad my life
is. i tried to look what must be wrong.

think of it this way, if you can't get friends at school, friends who are the
same age as you, what makes you think you'd be able to get friends outside
school, especially those older than you... do you think that because we're
older, we'll understand and we'll accept you in our clan just like that? well,
that may be true but is that what you really want? a life of pity from others?
STOP SELF-PITY! and don't expect others to pity you as well. that's another
thing dragging you down,y'know. it's annoying. so you eat lunch alone, SO WHAT?!
who cares? that doesn't necessarily mean you're a loser. just be yourself. by
you're being self-pitiful, you may just as well be trying to be someone you're
not which may also be another point. you may say otherwise but others would have
a gut feeling. they may not exactly be able to pinpoint that fact but they'll
have a sense that you're just trying to be someone you're not.

just be yourself. and learn to respect other people's decision/reaction. respect
their privacy, their time, their lives. matuto kang makiramdam sa kapwa. kung
ayaw nila, di huwag, don't force it. YOU CAN'T FORCE EVERYBODY TO LIKE YOU.

and now, she's saying things like: okay i'll just wait for how many years... but is there a possibility that you'll still consider me a friend? pffft! DON'T YOU JUST GET IT KID?! for the record, may i just mention that we (at least cheska and i) mentioned that she better try looking for people her own age. i mean, she aint smart enough for us! :P and i mean, seriously, she's gotta mature A LOT for me to at least like her. c'mon! y'know how i like dealing with mature people as i've grown up with older people! cheska's probably the only exception to the mature people rule i have going on in my life hahaha :P

Happy Birthday to me :)

Yesterday was my birthday and I had a real blast! original plan i had was to hold some get-together with my 'GossipGirl' clan :) unfortunately, i decided to do against that as this was the day that we (in the choir) decided to schedule our Christmas party... so this, is what happened on that day:

upon midnight of my bday, as i was putting myself to sleep thinking of my celeb crushie (Mark Wahlberg *wink*), my best friend (Cheska) texted me to greet me.... we ended up texting each other until about 2AM. i couldn't hold my sleepiness any longer so i decided to go and sleep and i ended waking up before 8AM. man! (and to think i'd been sooo puyat from the previous days, esp. new year!) thinking i could just sleep later in the afternoon, i got up.

lunch time: my brothers unexpectedly invited themselves over for lunch. the whole family was here. it was nice and fun till i got incredibly sleepy! but i couldn't sleep... except for probably half an hour...

at about 4, i started preparing myself for our usual 6pm Saturday mass... after the mass, it was party time. ..but i had to get home to cut up the chickens (13 of em) we had roasted for the party... it was a potluck party. we (mom & i) were in such hurry.

got to Tita Lulu's place, the party was to be held in their rooftop. thankfully, upon arriving, Cheska and ate Christine were there to help me bring up the 2 bilaos of chicken and some gravy.

After saying the grace before meals (led by Ella), Tita Lulu immediately led everyone to sing "happy birthday" to me. awww.. kakahiya!!!! man! attention was on me! hehehe *blush* imagine this happening numerous times in the night! haha! they kept singing to me, esp the guys! pauso! lakas mang-trip! :P

after eating, had some games prepared by kuya tutut and ate anna. super fun! there were 3 games. we were divided into 3 groups, each group consisted of some ARCHCONs, some KMIs, some niñas.
1st game: the 'CHRISTMAS' game? not sure of the title eh... but it was some spelling game.
2nd game: charades. super fun! we even asked that there be more! ^_^
3rd game: (for the kids) hephep-hooray!

after the last game, we played another round of charades, as by request. it was supposed to be ARCHCON vs KMI vs niñas but the niñas didn't want to join so it was just basically ARCHCON vs KMI (+2priests - Fr. Rolly and Fr. Jeff).. aka boys vs girls. the girls won!!! woooo!!!


after, had some pictorials :P and some time after that, the guys even asked if they could get a picture with me, the bday girl. haay... parang debut! and then after, as i was getting my camera from Cheska (I left it with her during those "debut pics" so she could take some photos of it for me), the guys called me back again! "keat and femi!!! keat and femi!!!" they were saying... pfft. haha! set-up!!! :P


by the time the kids left, the booze started to pour...kuya raf mixed up some alcoholic beverage and distributed it to people... the magic sing was set up and we had some jamming sessions. we even had some contest. those who were willing to "donate" pitched in php50 each... and we were able to gather php1000! that was what we made as our "cash prize" for the winner of the singing contest, which kuya raf won! congratz! =) somewhere in the middle of the contest, kuya czeben asked me if it was okay for me to have a duet with him... i don't really like singing in public... but fine, for their sake, i agreed. i didn't want to be a KJ. i specifically told him to pick a song that wasn't high and he said ok... but what did he pick? endless love. GAWHD! ang taas nun! i don't care if i sounded terrible (which i knew i definitely did) but hey, it was TOO HIGH! haha! INIS! :P


but, this was the most fun i've had for quite some time now. I didn't want to go home yet actually but i had to, wala na ko masasabayan pauwi eh :P went home with ate joj and ate quez at about 230AM the next day na... and i still haven't slept since. literally. so, spent the time uploading photos. hehe must be i'm dreading having to back to school that much. yes, unfortunately, tomorrow, it's back to duty :(

man, i wish how that night hadn't ended so soon! FUNFUNFUN! ^_^

the week gone by

Exam week's over... how sad... it's back to normal schedules now... duty, classes, haaay. Pretty much a lot has gone by, and I've definitely enjoyed the "break".

Monday - studied. no, not our lessons. did no reviewing on this day. kept my mind free from school-related stuff. in a way, i just studied things that have happened in the past regarding him, yes, things still seem unclear to me.... but thanks to lani, i've realized that it was probably a "two-way road disaster", if you know what i mean. I've always somehow blamed myself for letting go... my mom blamed him for being too slow and unclear of himself. i don't know, i'm at a loss of words to explain things right now but basically, now I realize that we both probably are at fault for the way things are. And, if he sees this, I just wanna say I'M SORRY. i can't elaborate on things, it's something probably better kept between us two... but i'm hoping we could talk things out. i miss everything, all those memories... i still remember every minute detail.


Tuesday & Wednesday - promised myself to dedicate these days to reviewing for the upcoming exams (for the first time)... but as it turns out, I've stayed true to my same old principle of not studying... hehe. I've managed to find petty reasons to take a 5-minute study break (every time I hit the books)... and that 5-minute break always turned into at least 5 hours away from my books/notes. so for these two days, i've probably only managed to dedicate about 2 hours to studying (or more like, browsing) notes.

Thursday - exam day. didn't get much sleep the night before. so come break, my intention of studying for the NCM exam was once again, dismissed. thanks to rox tho for studying out loud, making me feel annoyed for it seemed that i was mostly clueless on the stuff she mentioned. :P
After exams, headed home and prepared myself for the night. we were going to Manila Hotel, as my dad had some awarding event. food was quite depressing but I loved the soup they served... and the dessert! I just had to take some pictures of it (cos it looked that pretty). right after dad got his award, mom and i headed to the bar, dad followed some time after. the band was sooo good! we stayed till the end... leaving at about 12.... and to think i had a dental appointment the next morning. oh no!

Friday - I've been looking forward to this day, another appointment with my TMJ specialist. heck, slept really late and woke up pretty darn early for my 8am appointment. thankfully tho, i wasn't sleepy during the time... but to make me feel jittery came the fact that i thought we were gonna be late! traffic was so heavy. haaay. thankfully, got to the clinic on time.

Saturday - fun. usual choir sched. tho, we were soo few. just 4 of us - Ate Anna, Ate Christine, Cheska, and I. the night was fun, bonding... except for the fact that Kuya Tutut and Ate Anna were pressuring me on dishing out facts on my crush (and they'd try to guess who he was)... argh! they wouldn't let me get down from the car until i told them daw... Kuya Tutut locked the car doors.... hahaha... so, the car was parked outside our place for quite some time... hahaha... i was soooo frantic. hahaha. good thing i was saved from that moment tho... they let me go rin... without me saying a thing... haha. i strongly refuse to give clues as to who he is... :P

Alto in training

Well, choir's been pretty fun(-ny?) lately. Last week, ate Dianne shared some stories on her WYD Sydney experience... and she brought chockies along (that's my new term for chocolates)... tons and tons of them! the cute part of last week's session: kitty notes made by ate Nicole after solfeggio lessons (as we were having choir practice). ---> just visit my multiply acct. for more pics.... including those of the leftover chocolates and the wrappers of those we've managed to have eaten! :P




And this week, we're starting to practice for 08 Sept. And, tita asked me to learn the alto parts... cos we need more altos, especially if the niñas are singing along with us. wooohoo! so, it's a long weekend, given that monday's a holiday, and I'm gonna be spending the time studying the alto parts. joy! challenge! i mean, don't get me wrong, it's not my first time to be doing voicing, I've done so before during Simbanggabi slots, Christmas midnight mass and Easter Vigil mass... but it'll probably be my first time outside those events... haha... i don't know. not like i count it, ... but anyway, maybe it's more new tunes to "adapt" myself to.

Funny part of the night: i had my barok (sp??) moment.
Ate Queza: sino nagdala ng food?
me: I don't know...
Cheska: It just appeared from thin air.
me: yeah, probably... *poof*... FELLING from the sky...
(harhar)


And, going home, had an "adventure" with ate Dianne... haha. her gas tank was on "empty" na... so we had to go to the gasoline station... we passed the Elizalde route to Phase I (which was nearer the gas station) only to find out that they've closed the gates (and only at around 1020pm... tsktsktsk!)... so we had to turn to the clubhouse, taking the Aguirre route, passing Tropical Supermarket... taking a longer time. WHEW! buti nakaabot... and we (ok, I. dunno about ate Dianne) thought that the gas station was closed as it was completely dark! turns out, only a few lights were left on there, those of the open "stations". And it was there at the gas station that ate Dianne knew that I'm an addict... haha. I love the smell of gas, paint, ... rugby (she filled that part in) haha. weird daw. well, .... haha! :P

AMBUSH!

It's so sad that this is our last day @ the LPDH OR. All the nurses there have just been soooo kind ^_^ funny part of the day probably was where we ambushed Sir Neil (aka "Sir Happy" daw) for some photoshoot.... right in the LPDH caf. haha.

The challenge I've found amusing: Dr. Clyde asked us to name 4 (or 5 ba) nurses in the LPDH OR that we've come to know during our 6-day duty there. Hmmm.... kakatuwa! I had no problem doing so (a proof ata na ganun sila ka-friendly/-bait). So, lemme try to really enumerate all those whom I've come to know... in a way, siguro, it's a way of showing my gratitude to them na rin...

1. Ma'am Rachelle (shucks! di ako sanay... talagang "ate" pa kasi tawag ko hehe)
2. Sir Neil
3. Sir Aries
4. Sir Joel
5. Sir Chris
6. Sir Fort
7. Sir Bert
8. Sir Jack
9. Sir Francis
10. Ma'am Monet
11. Ma'am Jane
12. Ma'am Gina
13. Ma'am Cha

hmmm... 13. not bad. ung mga girls kasi, nakilala ko lang from reading their name tags... but didn't really get to talk to them much as the guys. kasi sila talaga ung mga nakakausap talaga namin at nasasalubong sa loob ng OR. :P