I have a dream.....

Last night, 26 Feb 2006, I once again dreamt of him. I’ve always dreamt of him recently but in a not so good way. it's as though he's mad (well, kinda... but not like a raging bull) at me or something. but in my dream last night, he wasn't really mad (again, like a raging bull) but he was in his usual way in which he was. we had the same "cold" situation in which we currently do. he had this indifferent air of some sort of which presently is. in which, I hope you get the point. moving on....

it started of that way. I even remember as point where his best bud told me to give her a call at 8707-somethingsomething. can’t remember the entire number now. but anyway, i guess, that's irrelevant to the story. to our story.

i remember me being with his youngest sis when vanity just hit us and we just started playing around with her digicam... just as though we were that close (but the truth is we're just casual friends...something like that). anyway, we were fronting a mirror which is located beside a door to another room (kinda imagine the bellevue suite with a room adjacent to the living room/kitchen. imagine the mirror to the left of that door). the door was open and he was in that room with some other people. he was just sitted there, looking at us. after some shots (his sis and i were taking pictures of ourselves, remember), he motioned his sis to approach him. she did and left her cam with me. after a few moments, she made her way back and he stood following her. i hoped he would come and join us for some pictures those i highly doubted that somehow. that's why it was such a surprise that he sat next to me on the floor. he stayed on my right and his sis on my left. oh how cute! his other sis was on our farther right and we called out to her to join us. think she said she'd join in later. KJ. haha. so, we "moved on with our lives" and started to take some pics.

i'm shocked and touched at the fact that he had his arm on me... just like those days. at one point, we decided to use the camera's timer... and he even suggested like "3.1 seconds" and laughed. how lame of him. but still, i miss his "jokes", and no matter how lame, i love 'em. so there, we had the timer running and were waiting for it to go off so we could have our shot. it took quite some time and he said something like "ang tagal naman". and at that moment, since we were fronting the mirror, i saw him turn his head more towards my direction and he quickly gave me a smooch on my cheek. i felt so happy and relieved (and of course, giddy). so sad that it was only a dream.


at least i dreamt of him kissing me, somehow it made me remember that time (a little more than 3 years ago) that he implanted a kiss on my cheek for the very first time (and only time, if you're talking bout an actual lip-cheek contact). somehow, i needed to remember that feeling because as of now, i know that THAT IS a fact. he did kiss me. but i felt as though i wanted to question that now. it's been so long ago now. the feeling's something like "i know it but is it really". it's like saying "i exist... but how do i know that". it's like a fact that's taught to you by science / history where your mind knows it, your conscious of what has happened but that's all there is to it. it's only your mind that tells you that now and not your senses, not your very own self. and it's kinda hard knowing that sometimes the mind (and even the senses actually) can mislead you. but at least now, it feels as though i've relieved the experience again. it's really hard to explain it here. but i'm hoping you get the point.


and in case he sees this, I’m kinda hoping he knows it's him i'm talking about. just ask if it's so and I’d most readily admit my thoughts... all i can say for now is "I MISS HIM"

my concerns

well, whew! how tiring our sched was over the past few days. It all started last Saturday, I guess... because after such a week, we still had to go to school for the APSA ANP (assessment for nursing skills???) exam. That's gonna be one of our screening tests before we can get to move on into the capping ceremony. So, anyway, the exam was really tough considering that it was just supposed to be an IQ test (that is, it's supposed to be based on common sense knowledge)... well, okay, it wasn't really tough I guess. it was just hard (and challenging???) because we were given such a limited amount of time. What I remember was the first portion of the exam with some subtests (those I remember were: General Psychology, College Algebra, Physical Science, Life Science, Communication Skills... I'm not sure if I left out any more subtests). We were given 20 minutes to answer each subtest. That was quite OK for some parts (Physical and Life Science) since there probably were only about 30-45 items. But as for Gen. Psych and Comm. Skills, there were probably about 50-80 questions there. As for Algebra, sure, there was roughly only 30-45 questions there too BUT you really had to analyze ALL the problems and solve (come to think of it, we also had to solve some items in Physical Science).

so, anyway.....

after APSA, despite feeling like we were mentally drained, our class still had an exam in Physics to attend to. owwww. we couldn't think clearly at all. Each and everyone of us probably failed, a lot got lower than 10... and, not to brag(cos it's still really low),I was probably one of the high ones already with a score of 12! 12! over what, 20?! haaay.

The next day, I woke up dreading the day as it was my only "day off" (it'd be the same next weekend cos of some meeting I'm attending, so it's like I only get 1 weekend for 3 weeks!). ugh. Spent the day exercising myself to de-stress myself again.


To skip things, let's move on to Tuesday... RLE's Community Implementation Day. kakapagod! and as if that weren't enough, we still had a Physics lecture to attend that afternoon. haaay. I went home sick. literally.

Lastly, today, we've been bombarded with tests! PE exam, Consti, Phil Lit long test... haaay. Plus, still had to do my STS reaction paper due tomorrow. And to think next week's midterm exams. bleck. I gotta pass my IC requirements by then. oh, good luck. i don't even want to have to think of our Community Diagnosis and also, our Investigatory Project. aack.

The only thing I look forward to within next week: bonding with my friends after we get our midterm exams done! triple celebration:

1. 2 years worth of friendship
2. the end of midterms
3. Valentine's Day (of course!)

And where the heck do we plan to go? SHOOTING!!! yes, shooting on Valentines... how appropriate. And, I'm not talking bout paintball shooting, mind you... I'm talking real gunpwder shooting action, baby!

ups and downs

it was such a sad thing school days are back. only one week of class has gone by so far and I'm feeling stressed out already... or I don't know, maybe it's because I'm no longer used to the pressure after the vacation... or maybe it's beacause we've been dumped by lots of requirements once again. And no, not much from our major nsg. subjects... but more of from those minor onesl. how irritating.

Woke up really early yesterday to a nice cool rainy downfall. Oh, how much I wanted to return to sleep but I couldn't so I thought of starting with all the homeworks...
Phil Lit - US colonialism
Health Eco - demand for RNs in the US -- today and future; Australia's GNP/GDP, life expectancy, leading causes of mortality, blahblahblah...
PHC - report (BCPs - already bought actual pills from mercury over the week)
RLE - survey tallying for our community diagnosis
Consti - report (political parties); questions to be answered (re: Estrada voting in the last election; decision on the Hello Garci scandal)
Nutrition - report (hospital diet)
did I get to do them? naaah. I started with surfing the net.... then after a few hours, my nephew came and took the computer away from me (to play some games). anyway....
as I was preparing lunch, I suddenly remembered my shots. how random. I'm suposed to have my shots for hepa A&B that day. Got me excited as I love having injections. So we headed to the hospital after lunch, after bringing my nephew home. The doctor wasn't there. How annoying. I called the hospital that morning, they told me she would. So, anyway, it was some nurse who gave it to me. oh joy. sadly it would be another 5 years before I start receiving these shots again (for the booster).
In the evening there's the usual mass I go to but after which, we had not the usual practice but a party celebrating the 25th anniversary of the niños y niñas de maria. it was kinda sad since we weren't really complete. had a lot of photo taking with Cheska... oh, and speaking of photos, got to see some really old photos of our choir way back. it was soo nice to "reminisce" and see how my ate(s) and kuya(s) looked way back when. Came home really late na. thought it was only 11 pa nga eh. Sadly now, I've got tons of things to accomplish by this day. haaay. quite impossible.

Oh, and for the sake of Diana wanting to see that dress I wore that night (which I had gotten at Maldita), I've attached a pic taken by Cheska.

Happy?

hehe. yes, there's a question mark there.

After so long, I finally saw it, the announcement that we could now get our BLS (Basic Life Support) IDs and Certificates from the CON (College of Nursing). YAY! after completing that CPR with AED (Automated External Defibrillator) course last 22 Nov. 2007, we were told that we would get our IDs that coming Monday.... but we never got it. Till Friday came and there was some announcement that we could finally get it by 2pm... but no. Too bad. It was the only thing I could think of all day. haha. Ge-An was laughing at how eager I was to get the ID... hello, siya rin naman, gusto nang kunin! :P When we asked Ms. Alfi (one of our CIs), she told us that CHEERS was just on their way to our school. haay. Later that day, I saw the CHEERS people... waaah, I really wanted to get the ID that day.... but wasn't able to.


So, finally, today came. I saw the announcement posted on the door of the CON office. Actually, for our section, we should have gotten it yesterday. But unfortunately, I didn't know that for two reasons:

1. you could hardly see the announcement posted, it was posted WAY below eye level.
2. yesterday was our RLE day. So I didn't get to really pass by the nursing office.

I'm happy cos it's like now that I have the ID (and certificate), I finally have the privilege of performing CPR. But, in a way, I'm disappointed because I don't really like how the ID looked, its quality... waaah! It was made of something like cardboard. I was expecting some better since it's an ID. it's supposed to last. plus, CHEERS is affiliated with the American Safety and Health Institute (ASHI) and Emergency Care and Safety Institute (ECSI)...both international affiliations.

Nursing Day

Okay, the day was 50-50. half good, half bad.... the bad part was the afternoon (as I expected. yes, after the lunch date @ Manx). So, here's the details of the day.

First of all, allow me to say. I HATE BEA!!!! She told me we had to be there @ 8, and so I was... only to find some friends there but her. And then thos people told me were Carisse, Di and Tabs were (2nd flr) so I went up to them. There I saw them with Dani (spelling?? anyway, he's Carisse's younger bro), they were watching Carlann's debut (hate her too,... how dare she cut us in that particular video?! and i thought we were friends!). So, anyway, found out from the gang that assembly was @ 9. WTF?! BEA!

As the program proceeded, everything was okay EXCEPT for that one performer who did the belly dancing (with matching singing ala shakira). Yep, she did that exact same thing she did during that Mr. & Ms. SISC thing. oh gawd! I could hardly watch (for the second time!). I seriously felt like barfing! She had to do it wearing a two-piece now! GAWD!!!! oh,.. but well, Carisse tells me I ought to admire her somehow... TO HAVE THAT MUCH SELF-ESTEEM! I can't believe Bea and Di enjoyed it, they were probably the only ones who did (yes, everyone was laughing their hearts out in disgust!haha, I'm so mean *wink*). Ooooh, and I almost forgot, the best performer (well, okay, not really performer) had to go to that girl who sang The Prayer. Actually, she sang it with some guy (who was also good) but SHE was ... oooooh.... she sounded exactly like Charlotte Church (if not even better maybe).


After the program, there were some games... and I tell you, Bea and I were starving to death there, we didn't have any bfast! So we kept bugging Carisse that we ought to go already to the Manx for lunch. The thing that made us even more excited was the fact that it was ala carte today! And the plus was that Dr. Adiviso joined us for lunch. After, I think he was actually volunteering to pay the bill (for all 6 of us)... but we hesitated... KKB nalang!

With the change we had left, we went and bought us some dessert... candies! haha, Bea & I were really like kids as we tried to buy the perfect treat for all 4 of us (Carisse excluded cos she already had her dessert... choco cake @ the Manx). Well, Carisse ought to be lucky for having us as friends. At least we still thought of getting her one lolly tho she was frustrated @ us for excluding her. haha! all four of us had 4pcs Haw-Haw (milk candy) & 1 grape lolly.... she only had 1 lolly and it was strawberry. haha! left-out! our reason for picking the grape candies? well, that's because we were all in purple today. How bout Carisse (who was also in purple)? Oh, nothing. We just wanted to make her feel left-out! haha! kidding. The truth was that there were only 4grape lollies left.

After that sugary high, all went downfall. We had to stay for the "Binalot Story" which finished at 4... and then after that, Diana & I headed to the choir practice. Most of our time had been lost searching for the room though... we were expecting it to be held @ the basic ed bldg (as usual)... but turns out, they were @ Gym3 (that new bldg across the street). haaay.

First-Aid Training Course

YAY! Today marks the end of our last day for the First-Aid Training Course from CHEERS foundation (Community Health Education Emergency Rescue Services). ooohhhh, I'm excited to hear about the results... and get the ID! sadly, those'll be on Monday yet... though, not to worry, Monday's not that far away anyway...

Currently, I'm trying to look forward to tomorrow's activities. I don't want to have to wear purple! I don't have any casual purple shirt. Actually, don't have any white either (what we were required to wear over the training period) so I ended up borrowing those shirts from my bro (can't believe they could actually fit me!)... but now, I can't borrow purple (like he has any!). The program tomorrow's not the problem for me, really... it's more of whats happening after the nursing week program. We're being REQUIRED (as IC4 students) to watch the "Binalot Story" thing after lunch... ARGH!!!! talk about pure, extreme torture and boredom! Just trying to think of the positive side right now, it's an opportunity for a nice lunch-out with my friends again @ the Manx... though, I don't really know, not that excited for it. I'm trying to save plus all those calories plus I'm missing eating at home, haven't been doing so this week. :(

Stick with You

Yes, I bet ya'll know that song of PCD and just the other day, I heard it play (after some long time). It did make me sad, made me remember a friend of mine and memories we used to share.

The history behind the song?

Well, one time, as I hitched a ride with that friend of mine, he turned on the radio and that song played. He sang that last particular line, those words.... "I must stick with you". He sang it in his usual sweet, charming, dashing, voice.

So, he sang a silly line from the song playing on the radio. What's the point you say?

Well, that was a time when things, I guess, were starting to fall apart between us. I didn't feel the same. See, this guy that I'm talking about was (and still IS) someone special and so dear to me, I do like him...only I don't know if he feels the same way. But there was once a time that, despite me knowing that I had a crush on him, I didn't feel like wanting to be with him, like wanting to even see him at all. I couldn't explain why, I couldn't even understand the feeling. I should be excited for those chances I had to be with him, but why did I feel dread and anxiety then?

Times would come when we had to get together and I bet he noticed me trying to stay distant and aloof, as he tried being extra nice to me. So, to cut things short, and skip all the drama, this was that time during that period I felt myself lost. And it was as though he was saying to me "I must stick with you"... meaning that, despite all things we were going through.

It all escalated up to the very point which, I think, signalled our "death". It must have hurt him somehow. To think our friendship was growing, I used to tell him everything going on in my life.... but that has stopped. I didn't even bother to tell him what course I decided to take; and then one day, he sees me and was shocked to know. He did seem kinda irritated (tho, as always, he doesn't really show it). I felt kinda bad after. If only he knew, I didn't want to tell him for two reasons...

1. First was, okay, I didn't want to tell him cos I thought it wasn't my duty to tell him. Why should he know? We weren't in a relationship or anything.
2. I was actually planning on surprising him with the news.

And now, here I am, about a year or more later... feeling sorry and deep regret. We're both oblivious to each other now, or so it seems. How could I have risked behaving so and losing whatever it was I had with him. If I had known only better.

Looking back on memories, it does make me wonder.... was it ever us? could it have been us when I didn't even know? He did show some signs but he wasn't exactly direct. He was sweet, made me feel special and everything... but he didn't exactly give solid facts. I know ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. But still, actions can also be misinterpreted. I don't like relying on actions alone as one may end up hoping far too off, expecting oh so much and then just end up depressed. So, now, whether there was something between us or not, I'm innocent and unaware of it. All I know is that I miss those times, that friendship we used to share.